8/17/17
i'm thankful that yesterday i had the cardiac stress test that the doctor scheduled for me after i went to the ER a few weeks ago for a panic attack that i, as i have many times before, mistook for a heart attack. i'm thankful for the oddness of running on a treadmill with a bunch of wires connected to my chest while being attended to by two nurses, which made me feel like a professional athlete or a superhero in training. i'm thankful that the nurses were polite even though they clearly thought there was nothing wrong with me, which there most likely isn't. i'm thankful that when i asked one of the nurses if she was having a good day so far, she, probably pre-coffee, said "well, it just started, so i don't really know yet!"
i'm thankful to have been reminded of the nice older lady from air canada who i called at the beginning of the week to see if i could get on standby for an earlier flight home and who, after finding out there weren't any good options, paused, then said, "let me tell you what i think you should do. i think you should go have yourself a nice lunch, then visit a museum or walk around shopping, just have a very good day in toronto, then catch your scheduled flight home at 8:45." i'm thankful for how much she wanted me to have a nice day. i'm thankful for how nice it is when that's clearly a feeling and not just a recitation and to hope that my messages to customers sometimes function as incantations.
i'm thankful that the cold medicines i bought yesterday seem to be helping and that if not 100%, i feel markedly better today. i'm thankful for the weird zicam nasal swabs i bought, which come in little tubes and which you swirl around the inside of your nostrils in hypnotic ritual. i'm thankful that even if this isn't helping my cold, it feels nice (i'm thankful that it is reminiscent of dipping a qtip in hydrogen peroxide and then swirling it in your ears, even though that feeling is far superior (if more dangerous i am not your doctor)). i'm thankful that though cough syrup tastes gross (i'm thankful, perversely, for those substances that taste so bad that you can't help but pull a face and make an unpleasant sound after consuming them), it makes me cough less and makes coughing less painful. i'm thankful for acetaminophen.
i'm thankful to be on the third day of my new antidepressant and to (knock on wood) have not experienced any side effects from it yet. i'm thankful that though i don't know if i've felt any real difference yet because of the fog and fatigue of my cold. i'm thankful that i haven't felt very anxious in the past few days, just tired. i'm thankful that yesterday while making dinner for d, i danced unexpectedly vigorously in the kitchen alone to the perfect algorithmically generated one-two-three punch of "no frauds," "whip my hair," and the remix of "real love," which felt like a good sign.
i'm thankful that i finally had band practice last night after weeks of not having it. i'm thankful that i was worried that it would be awkward because we hadn't played together in a while and i couldn't get stoned before, it was just as lovely as it always is. i'm thankful that when the drummer came in, she immediately started talking to me about pb&j oreos, which we agree are a top oreo flavor. i'm thankful that we played around with a few new (to us) songs, including the amy winehouse version of "valerie," which has a very fun bass line to play. i'm thankful that we discussed our shared love of showering in the dark and imagined a cover of lorde's "writer in the dark" called "shower in the dark." i'm thankful for the keyboardists description of his ultimate dark shower, which is a hot shower in the dark in the winter with a window open in the bathroom letting in cold air while drinking a glass of whiskey and smoking a cigarette.
i'm thankful for my long bike ride home to our new house. i'm thankful for the interesting visual phenomenon that occurred as i rode along the bike path, how the streetlights were placed at intervals that cast shadows such that as i passed each light, a ghost of me on my bike seemed to accelerate past me and disappear into the next shadow, only to reappear and pass me again at the next light. i'm thankful to have ridden like this with my ghost for several miles. i'm thankful for the strobe setting on my bike light, which makes me more visible to things and things more visible to me. i'm thankful for both kinds of visibility.
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