7/20/19
i'm thankful to feel a little more okay every day. i'm thankful to remember a time in college where i was very sick (physically not mentally) for several days and couldn't keep food down and felt terrible and then woke up one morning and was suddenly better and sat by myself in our living room enjoying the sensation of eating food and not feeling nauseous and watching the sopranos on HBO on demand. i'm thankful that i had several moments reminiscent of that yesterday, where i caught myself not being afraid i was going to die and felt such relief and happiness at the fact of that. i'm thankful for my spike mat and pillow, which really do help relax and soothe me in such a weird way but one that i appreciate having available. i'm thankful that i have been sleeping well (i'm thankful always for my sleeping pill).
i'm thankful we had a nice facetime call with my parents last night; i'm thankful that i normally call them on mondays but waited till yesterday because i didn't want to call them (or do anything really) when i wasn't feeling well. i'm thankful that i was just going to skip it this week but d said something about it that motivated me to do it and i'm thankful i did because i know it's important to my parents. i'm thankful to have caught them getting back to their hotel room after a good day at the clothing optional beach which is the thing my dad misses most about miami (they are on vacation). i'm thankful that though the weather forecast was bad for their trip they've had only nice days every day. i'm thankful for the head mounted waterproof gopro my dad bought himself and the video he sent me of him swimming out from the beach. i'm thankful for the crazy stories my mom told us about her job at the hotel—i'm thankful to hope that sometime soon she'll be able to get a new job that doesn't involve large amounts of coddling terrible rich people.
i'm thankful that i felt good enough last night to find myself getting frustrated and distracted trying to solve a technical problem instead of feeling afraid i was going to die. i'm thankful to recognize in retrospect i shouldn't have been spending time in the evening working on that and to not allow myself to do that tonight. i'm thankful that i tried to be disciplined and set a twenty minute timer and only work on it during that time, even though i ignored the timer when it went off and kept working (fruitlessly) for almost another half hour. i'm thankful to know that i will eventually figure out how to do what i was trying to do and i'm thankful there's no deadline for me figuring it out. i'm thankful to have had a good day at work yesterday where i felt very productive and had nice interactions with lots of people.
i'm thankful that yesterday at lunch i went to kroger to buy heartburn medicine and the oscar meyer weinermobile was parked outside. i'm thankful that on my way back, i saw an older woman riding her bike with no hands, which i normally find stupid and annoying when it's done by (almost inevitably) obnoxious teenage boys, but which i found very endearing because of the pure joy on the woman's face and the way that she had stretched her arms above her head, the way she looked so truly free, like a more authentic version of my memory of what diane lane in under the tuscan sun. i'm thankful for all the dogs that d follows on instagram and whose stories we watch nightly before bed, but i'm thankful especially for my favorite one, which is a shiba inu named sunny (sunny_rei_32). i'm thankful for sunny's whiskers, which remind me of a cartoon fox.
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