7/19
i'm thankful that i am alive. i'm thankful that though i felt like shit most of the day yesterday, by the end of the day, i was less afraid of my impending death than i had been the previous day and night. i'm thankful i slept pretty well last night considering (i'm thankful that i took my sleeping pill early, which made it possible for me to fall asleep at a normal time rather than not being able to fall asleep, since the night is when my mind is the worst). i'm thankful that though i still don't feel very good today, i feel less afraid of my impending death and i'm thankful to hope that my fear of that will continue to diminish and that i will continue to feel better. i'm thankful that even if i continue to feel like shit for a while that is still way better than constantly fearing my impending death and i will take that every time.
i'm thankful that i really like my coworkers and i think they really like me. i'm thankful we make each other laugh many times every day. i'm thankful for the giphy integration in slack and for slack in general, which provides a nice space for us to interact with each other and lets us make fun and playful bots (like the hug multiplier, which adds extra hugs any time someone is given a hug emoji because they are sad, or the bot that periodically grabs positive feedback from customers and streams it into our channel). i'm thankful to work on a team of people that support each other, since the kind of work we do is not just intellectually challenging, but also very emotionally demanding. i'm thankful that we can support each other through difficult times and in our interactions with difficult people. i'm thankful to feel like i am not just a cog in a machine and to feel that there are opportunities for me to grow and learn and change.
i'm thankful to have walked to kroger on my lunch break yesterday to buy tomatoes for our salads for dinner, since the grape tomatoes we bought on sale on the weekend were bad and a bad tomato can totally ruin the salad that contains it. i'm thankful to have bought some tomatoes on the vine instead. i'm thankful to have walked home and gotten very sweaty because of the heat of the day, even though it's only a few blocks walk. i'm thankful to have lived so close to a grocery store for most of the time that i've lived here. i'm thankful that we are moving further toward the outskirts of town in a few weeks, which will be a big adjustment but which will hopefully make us happy. i'm thankful for stillness and for moving. i'm thankful for "stillness is the move," which i just learned is inspired by wings of desire, which is a beautiful movie. i'm thankful to know that i overuse the word beautiful (in these letters and in general) but not to care. i'm thankful to find beauty even when i am not well (especially when).
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