7/18/17

i'm thankful that though i felt afraid i was going to die last night and couldn't sleep because of it, i did not die and i did eventually (thanks to a medical aid) fall asleep and woke up this morning, having not died, and am now writing about it now, a process which requires me to be alive. i'm thankful that on numerous occasions in the past, i have felt afraid i was going to die and did not die. i'm thankful to remind myself of that history when i feel afraid i am going to die, even though when you are afraid you are going to die, your brain does not respond well to reason and logic and evidence. i'm thankful to know that the symptoms that made me feel afraid i was going to die are symptoms of anxiety attacks and that on the occasions in the past where i have felt similarly like i was going to die and could not calm those feelings (an innumerable amount of times in my life) and so went to urgent care (four separate times in my life) in the hope that if i was dying, they could prevent it, and if i wasn't dying, they could convince me i wasn't dying. i'm thankful that each of those times, the doctors checked me out and said i was physically fine, which was helpful, even though that didn't totally prevent me from feeling like i was going to die and on one of the occasions i had to go back the next day because i felt really even more afraid i was going to die and that they'd missed something the previous day (they hadn't). i'm thankful for the power of my mind, which makes it possible to do many challenging and complex good things, even though it also does simple and painful and bad things, like making me afraid i am going to die. i'm thankful that my brain is a hopeful place generally and so i'm thankful to hope that i spend less of today feeling afraid i am going to die. i'm thankful that i have work today, which, while sometimes stressful, does not make me feel like like i am going to die and takes up a lot of the metal bandwidth that would otherwise be occupied, on a day like today, by my fear i am going to die. i'm thankful to do breathing exercises, which don't stop me from feeling like i am going to die most of the time, but probably do help on some level and at least make me feel like i am doing something. i'm thankful to maybe do yoga instead of my run today in the hope that that practice will help me feel better than running, which is what i've been doing the last few days while feeling afraid, at varying levels of volume, that i'm going to die, has not (even though running is usually great for my non-morbid anxiety). i'm thankful to hope that today i will feel less like i am going to die and i hope that if you have been feeling that way lately (or some other bad way, since there are so many), that you feel it less today too.