7/18
i'm thankful that i got up this morning, after my alarm. i'm thankful that though it was harder to get up than it is usually, i did eventually do it.
i'm thankful to have realized, with d gone on her business trip, how much of what i do is shaped by her presence.
i'm thankful to have realized that usually, i don't have trouble getting up, because it is not i getting up but we getting up; there is an unspoken compact between us and i know that if i don't get up at the time i'm supposed to get up, that affects not just me but us. i'm thankful to have realized the strength of that force in its absence, in my struggle to get out from under the covers and go make a bowl of cereal.
i'm thankful to have realized that one of the things i worried about before we got serious was that my singular identity would be subsumed into a plural. i'm thankful that did happen, in a lot of ways, but i'm thankful to know now that it wasn't something i needed to worry about—i was afraid it would be a loss, but actually it was a gain.
i'm thankful to realize the power of that when it's taken away and i, an independent, routine-driven, and self-sufficient person, become feral, unmotivated, lethargic.
i'm thankful that in the past, i tried to treat her absences as opportunities, like when i was an adolescent and my parents would leave for an overnight trip—i would eat the foods i like but that she doesn't like (and so i don't eat normally) and watch the shows i couldn't convince her to give a chance. i'm thankful, though, to have learned that the foods i like but that she doesn't like are few and that they tend to give me stomachaches. i'm thankful that trying to watch a new show doesn't appeal, either, since if it's really good, i'll want to watch it with her, and if it's not really good, what's the point.
i'm thankful, as a person who loves quiet, for the silence of the house when i am the only person in it, but i'm thankful that silence brings into relief all of the little noises she makes, which, when we are together and i am struggling to concentrate, i might find annoying, but which in her absence make the air feel empty.
i'm thankful to know, at times like this, that if she dies before me, it will be completely unbearable. i'm thankful to know that might serve, for other people, as a reminder that they should fill out the other areas of their lives, devote more time and energy to their friendships and other relationships so that all their happiness eggs are not in one basket. i'm thankful to know that i should do those things, to some extent or another, and that there are relationships i've neglected that i feel sad about having done so, but i'm so thankful that for the most part i have this one person who provides me with so much of what i need in life and, after being without that person for so long before her, i want to luxuriate in that, and i'm not interested in having relationships for the sake of emotional insurance.
i'm thankful that in my fancy work personality test, which i have a session analyzing and learning about today with our career development person, the "social needs" measurement for the average person is an 84 (out of 100) and mine is a 17. i'm thankful that d, when i sent her the test results without comment, immediately responded "LMFAO SOCIAL ENERGY 'needs 17'".
i'm thankful that last night after i had fallen asleep, she texted me some pictures of the puppy we are getting at the end of august. i'm thankful that she is coming home tomorrow night.
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