6/8/17
i'm thankful that my doctor's appointment went well. i'm thankful that i like my new doctor much better than my old doctor, who was fine but who never felt anything other than perfunctory—i'm thankful for her enthusiasm and laughter and jokes and smiles, for her questions and comments and her lack of judgement. i'm thankful to know that maybe it is a shitty gender thing for me to prefer having a doctor who is a woman when that's an option but i'm thankful to choose that when i can because of a shitty experience i had with a male doctor when i was first being treated for anxiety, in which he told me my problem was that i just needed to stop ruminating so much (which was why i came to the fucking doctor, because i could not do that and felt as though i might die because of it) and gave me some laddish ribbing about not being more of a man and then as a cherry on top went on a long, bitter, and inappropriate rant about obamacare (i was not insured at the time because i didn't have a job and was too old for my parents' insurance and the individual market and protection for pre-existing conditions did not exist as they do now). i'm thankful for my mom, who was in the room with me because she was afraid that i was afraid that i might die, and who after he left the exam room said quietly "we're not coming back to him."
i'm thankful that at my request my new doctor prescribed a new antidepressant for me to try in addition to my other two antidepressants and i'm thankful to get to start taking that and hope that it helps me feel better than i do now (which is not terrible but also not great). i'm thankful that though there was some problem with the prescription getting called in and i couldn't pick it up on my way home, i should be able to get it today. i'm thankful that i went to taco bell for dinner because i didn't want to have to wait for water to boil for pasta, only to end up waiting in line at taco bell for like 20 minutes. i'm thankful when i finally did get home, i microwaved my tacos and quesadilla (taco bell's hugest fast food flaw i think is their seeming inability to give you your food hot and microwaving takeout from them instead of eating it lukewarm improves its quality greatly). i'm thankful for the combination of diablo and fire sauces, which i think is the tastiest combination of sauces. i'm thankful for the sensation of tearing open the little packets and squeezing them into unwrapped tacos or in the crinkly reservoirs of wrapper paper for dipping, then discarding their husks at the side of the wrapper.
i'm thankful for the cultural equivalents of comfort food like this. i'm thankful that while eating dinner, i watched some old episodes of the office on netflix. i'm thankful for steve carell's performance on that show, which has brought me so much joy over the course of my life. i'm thankful that before d left i started reading chemistry by weike wang, which is really good and bitter and funny but also sad enough that i can't handle it this week with my emotional center out of joint. i'm thankful that instead i have been reading the book of game of thrones for the first time, which is a nice blend of the familiar (since i know the broader plot beats and so am not too "afraid" of things happening) and the new (since i haven't actually read the books and so don't know how they represent these broader plot beats).
i'm thankful for this incredible emily gould profile of my favorite/america's greatest actor elisabeth moss; i'm thankful for the way emily models her appreciation for her excellence without also pulling any punches or dodging difficult questions (i'm thankful for the sweetbitter last line and to imagine watching an extreme close-up of elisabeth moss's face as she reads it, which would be exquisite (though really it would be exquisite to watch elsiabeth moss's face as she read the phone book or an eye chart or a takeout menu or basically anything)). i'm thankful for this hilarious post in which sarah is a hater about annoying people in parks in the summer. i'm thankful for something really gross i think of when dogsitting/walking dogs, which is that when you pick up dog poop from the grass in someone's yard or the park you can never really get quite all of it, but you can get enough of it that a person probably wouldn't see it if they weren't looking out for it, so that then if that person sat in the grass or walked barefoot (two activities i enjoy) they might sit on the poop residue area :(. i'm thankful for tactics. i'm thankful for this humorous use of corn holders. i'm thankful for this saucy comment about german baking.
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