6/4/17

i'm thankful that i used to slightly look forward to the times when she would be out of town, the same way i looked forward to my parents being out of town when i was a kid, for the sense of "freedom" to "do what i want" and eat foods that she doesn't like and watch things on TV that i can't convince her to watch.

i'm thankful that as our relationship went on, the amount of time i enjoyed this "freedom" would shrink, such that early one, i might enjoy it for several days, then a couple days, then just a day, then just the pleasant anticipation of it but not any of the actual time at all, and now the anticipation is replaced by dread. i'm thankful that the "freedom", instead of a gift, now feels like a life preserver i hold onto in the hope that i don't drown myself in sadness in her absence.

i'm thankful to have realized that the foods she doesn't like are also often foods that make me feel sick and also thankful to have realized that without her to cook for, i find it very difficult to summon the energy to do even basic cooking. i'm thankful to clean up the house the day before she gets back as a ritual celebrating her return.

i'm thankful to have learned that the promise of "freedom" to "do what i want" is an illusion, since i can already basically do what i want anyway when d is here and get to do that while also knowing that i can go into the next room and be with d whenever i want.

i'm thankful she is now deciding trying on her business clothes and deciding what to pack and dancing in her underwear to "d'yer mak'er", which i am playing on the bluetooth speaker on my desk while writing this. i'm thankful to try to hold onto this moment for the rest of the week. i'm thankful that it's not a week, actually only six days.