5/2
i'm thankful that though i have felt really anxious about going back to work after vacation, such that i have been thinking about it on and off the last two days of "vacation" and could not fall asleep until very late last night, one of the nice things about keeping a diary for long enough is getting to go back and see yourself in the exact same situation, like in this entry from november 27 last year after returning from thanksgiving break:
i'm thankful for how thinking about going back to work is so hard on the monday morning after a vacation, even though that sucks and i am not enjoying it right now, because it means that the vacation was effective enough in allowing you to experience a life without work that you got used to that parallel universe enough to forget what the normal one feels like. i'm thankful that this is the point (or one of the points) of vacation.
i'm thankful that i am good at my job and in fact really like my job and that i know i will be okay when i get back into the groove and i'm thankful to know that the feelings of dread i have right now are just projections of my mind. i'm thankful to recognize one of the weird things about our minds, which is that we can know that something is a projection and is artificial and yet knowing that doesn't stop the roller coaster drop in your stomach on monday morning.
and knowing that i survived that and will survive this and do not even need to be thinking in terms of "survive," which is such a dramatic word/concept! i'm thankful i successfully avoided checking my work email or slack at all during my vacation and am thankful to try to use this reset as a chance at turning over a new leaf re: improving my work/life balance. i'm thankful that i already kind of spoiled this by pausing in the middle of writing this note to read through my work emails but i'm thankful to try to be gentle with myself.
i'm thankful that after my psych appointment yesterday and after the debacle of the last two SNRIs turning my brain into unfocused mush made me not want to try another one of those, i am now trying beta blockers (for which my psych said, basically "and now for something completely different"; i am thankful to think of these medicines as the human hand that enters a monty python cartoon to scribble over what's there). i'm thankful to commit to myself that if i continue to feel bad and it doesn't feel like things are getting better, i am going to call my psych's office instead of just waiting six weeks until my next appointment.
i'm thankful that yesterday when i went to bike to the psych, i found i had a flat tire and so i'm thankful i was able to call a lyft instead. i'm thankful that after the appointment, i walked over to CVS and waited patiently at the counter for the pharmacists, who were busy on the other side of the pharmacy, to come over so i could ask them nicely if they could refill my prescription while i waited, only to find out, when one of them came over, a prescription in hand, that that was exactly what they were already doing without me needing to ask, because they care about me and know i always try to come in right after a new prescription for me is sent. i'm thankful to have told them how they're the best and i'm thankful to have meant it.
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