5/16/17
i'm thankful that yesterday afternoon i had a call from my doctor's office, which i thought was related to the prescription i am on day 9 of trying to get but was actually them, with impressive speed, telling me about the results of the heart ultrasound i had on wednesday. i'm thankful that when the nurse said that was the reason, my breath caught and i braced myself for impact of her telling me that things had gotten worse, since why else would they have reviewed the results and contacted me so quickly unless it was something serious and surprising, since they said it should take 5 - 7 business days, and then the nurse told me that actually my condition had improved since my last scan two years ago, that my heart valve looked healthier and that it was regurgitating less blood as it beats than it used to. i'm thankful to have exhaled away the fear, at least for a little while (though i know it will return), and breathed in relief. i'm thankful that the nurse told me to keep doing whatever i'm doing, because i'm doing something right.
i'm thankful, in other good news, that my prescription authorization for my new antidepressant went through and that it is supposedly arriving at the pharmacy this afternoon. i'm thankful to be hopeful, after all the build-up of trying to get it filled, that it will make me feel better or at least to hope that it doesn't make me feel worse or have shitty side effects. i'm thankful to hope that my favorite pharmacist will be working when i go to pick it up. i'm thankful that when i was there last time i praised her tan and she told me about the vacation she'd just taken with her family to florida. i'm thankful for the width of her smile as she talked about how much fun that they had. i'm thankful to write here that i need to get more b complex, since i tend to remember things i write here sometimes better than when i write them other places. i'm thankful that though i have felt shitty for most of the week, i am feeling a bit better today.
i'm thankful for "beach dr." by oddisee, which is made of layers of loops of summer. i'm thankful that there is a new episode of call chelsea peretti. i'm thankful yesterday while doing yoga, "meditating", washing dishes, shaving, showering, and playing zelda, to have listened to several episodes of the binge mode podcast, which has an episode for every episode of game of thrones (currently through season 2). i'm thankful for both the refreshers on plot points and the deep dives into legend and lore. i'm thankful to be listening to the new lorde album. i'm thankful for "writer in the dark," which is playing as i type this sentence and which i think is my favorite song so far. i'm thankful for the way her voice levitates into the high part of the chorus, echoed by a choir of her own making, and the strings blow in around her like the breeze.
i'm thankful for her opening couplet in "supercut", the song which is playing now, "in my head / i watch a supercut of us," and for the extended metaphor of that song, for its questioning of the ability for something as partial as art to represent the fullness of love and yet for the ecstasy and power of that limited representation, for how to hold it is to hold a totem of the fullness of actuality and to be able to play it over and over on repeat, trying to anchor yourself to the feeling, to live inside of it. i'm thankful that this might be my favorite song on the album now. i'm thankful for albums where you can't decide what your favorite song is. i'm thankful to go to perfect places.
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