4/25

I’m thankful that yesterday we were able to meet up with JK in the basement of a fancy mall near Gangnam after we tried and failed to walk to the south bank of the Han river but were blocked by the high fences around expensive apartment blocks. I’m thankful, having not seen her for a year and D not having seen her for several, that we fell into the kind of conversations about art and life that we have always fallen into. I’m thankful that we brought D’s sister E with us, even though she doesn’t know JK, since we were saving her from having to spend the day alone with D’s parents. 

I’m thankful, after JK took us to lunch at a trendy pasta place where we had some of the most delicate fresh bread I have ever had and uni pasta, I suggested that I would treat us to dessert and she suggested that it might be fun, in a ridiculous way, to go to the cafe in the Dior building on the luxury shopping street in Apujeong, which she had heard was stupidly opulent. I’m thankful that though we felt underdressed and awkward, we entered the store and were escorted by a kind clerk who spoke perfect English to an elevator that took us up to the cafe on the third floor, where a man who looked like a pop idol guided us through what felt like one of the compartments near the end of the train in Snowpiercer, everyone there languid in the banquettes and impossibly dressed in outfits that probably cost as much as D or I make in a month.

I’m thankful that seated at the table, we looked at the menu and saw some beautiful but quite expensive desserts and decided that we would just buy two and share them with each other, only to find, when we tried to order, that the cafe requires each person to order an item on their own. I’m thankful, trying to be accomodating, that the employee suggested that perhaps we buy coffee or tea to round out the order, which would have been a reasonable suggestion were the coffees and teas not thirty dollars apiece. I’m thankful that JK, sensing our discomfort, suggested that maybe we just leave and find somewhere else and I’m thankful to have agreed with her and that we got up and left as all the rich kids glanced at us. I’m thankful for the ride down the elevator and walk out of the store, where it felt like we were all holding our breath through the expensive silence until we got through the door and into the air outside, which is free. 

I’m thankful to have experiences like this, even though it was uncomfortable and it took me a while to recover from how embarrassed I felt (and then ashamed at that embarrasment, that i had so internalized the idea that i am supposed to be ashamed that i am not wealthy, that it somehow makes me less than because i have less than), because they serve as object reminders of the evil of concentrated wealth and inequity. I’m thankful to know that I, a person who is able to take a break from work to travel halfway around the world and tour a different place and eat delicious food and see attractions and go shopping, am very privileged too, and that I am also an actor who bears responsibility in this system of machinery that grinds people up to make the world go round. i’m thankful also to remember that this is all constructed, that it is not natural, that it doesn’t have to be this way and to still have hope that we can make the world a place where it’s not. 

I’m thankful that we went to another nearby cafe for dessert where the prices and atmosphere, while still (delightfully) fancy, were much more reasonable and had a lovely end to our lunch over delicate little petit fours, which we passed back and forth across the table so we all got to taste them. I’m thankful that JK loved the gifts we brought for her daughter, who is our favorite child, and later sent us pictures of her enjoying them. I’m thankful that we might get to meet up again, this time in a large public park, so that we’ll get to see her in person.

I’m thankful that when D and E and I got back to the hotel, we met up with her dad, who wanted to take us to Namsan tower, a tall tower on a small mountain overlooking Seoul. I’m thankful that though all of us were both physically and emotionally tired, we went, mostly, I think, because we all hate to stifle D’s dad’s enthusiasm to share his country with us, which is lovely and sweet. I’m thankful we huffed our way up to the cable car stop which took us to the very top, where we were able to look out over the city in every direction, probably the most beautiful view I have ever seen in my life. I’m thankful that while D and I toured the Hello Kitty museum, which was for some reason related to capitalism also on the top of the mountain, I sat before the vista by myself, looking out and breathing slowly. I’m thankful, because one of the things I’ve struggled with on this trip is not getting true solitude and peace (always part of a group, moving through a million other atomized groups in this enormous city), to have gotten to have that moment by myself.

I’m thankful that when we got down the hill, D and E and her dad and I went to a place where you have fried chicken and beer and we talked about how uncomfortable we had felt earlier in the day. I’m thankful for D’s dad’s reminiscence about the pickled radish he ate when he was a boy growing up here. I’m thankful, lubricated by the happy hour special of big tall glasses of German wheat beer, that we poured out into the streets, abuzz with night walkers and hawkers and families and revelers, full of the kind of life that is usually too much for me but in that moment felt right and E bought a lobster tail from a street food stall, cheese melted into its body with a blowtorch and shared it with us. I’m thankful that on the way home, we stopped at an arcade which had a shooting gallery and D’s dad, who is one of the gentlest and sweetest people I have ever met, showed incredible accuracy and was plinking away targets in a way that amazed all of us. I’m thankful that though I drew the conclusion that this is because, like all Korean men, he was in the army, D and E told me that he has always had amazing hand eye coordination and reminisced about how once when they were little, E really wanted this enormous stuffed bear that dwarfed her and her dad won it for her by playing a series of perfect games of skeeball. I’m thankful that after the shooting gallery, we walked home together, full and happy.