4/23

I’m thankful for the word processor on my phone where I am typing this, even though it forces capitalization of the first word of every sentence, which fucks with my vibes. I’m thankful for how strange it feels to be writing today after yesterday, our first full day in Seoul. I’m thankful, as someone for whom both work and life are defined by constant communication, to be in a place where I don’t understand 99% of what the people around me are saying and in which my ability to speak to them is heavily circumscribed. I’m thankful for how estranging that is, how it breaks my usual patterns, and yet how, on the underside of the cloud of that estrangement, there’s a certain freedom, an oblivion. I’m thankful that at the end of last week I came to the realization that I have been way too invested in my job recently and that I need to continue to be vigilant about making sure my life is balanced better, not just in terms of how much time I spend with each but also how much of my self I’m giving away for my paycheck. I’m thankful, with limited data, to be removed from constantly checking my usual feeds, even though I also miss them. I’m thankful for the way that forces presentness, even though often that presentness means being present in discomfort (aching legs, D and her mom fighting, being lost). I’m thankful for how now, grown up and medicated, I don’t feel the anxiety that I used to feel when interacting wtih strangers when I lived here a decade ago—that I feel more confident, for example, going into a cafe and ordering a kumquat lemonade, which sparkled with acidity. I’m thankful for another cafe we visited, which had an in-house complement of three Shiba Inus, which made D very happy. I’m thankful, though it has been raining a lot and is still raining now, for umbrella wrapping culture, how every decent sized store has a stand outside with plastic bags that you slip your umbrella into so that you can walk around inside without dripping. I’m thankful for perfect strawberries bought from a stall on the street. I’m thankful, after not having had any alcohol for a few months, for the relief of a cold can of convenience store beer after a long day of walking and waiting, how halfway through it turned my body to jelly and I sank into the sheets of the hotel bed. I’m thankful, even on vacations which do not feel restful, which this one has not, mostly, so far, there are still moments of comfort and joy.