4/10/17
i'm thankful it was warm and sunny yesterday and i went on my longest bike ride of the year so far. i'm thankful that the bike ride was challenging, since it's been a long time since i've ridden that far, but that i kept at it and got through it. i'm thankful for the new water bottle container i installed on my bike, which meant i didn't have to wear a backpack, and i'm thankful for the size of the cinnamon roll and apple pie larabars i bought (even though they didn't taste that good), which meant i could fit them into the small pocket of the waist belt i wear. i'm thankful for the sensation of transitioning from the standard rough road to freshly paved asphalt, which feels exquisitely frictionless. i'm thankful that the hills are harder on the way there and easier on the way back, which is a small blessing. i'm thankful that hills that appear steep and large in the distance aren't always that way when you actually get to them. i'm thankful that even on the steepest hills, i just geared down and kept pushing rather than getting off my bike and walking it.
i'm thankful for the exquisite tiredness that hits after a long ride of this sort. i'm thankful to have eaten an entire can of chickpeas and then an entire pint of blackberries. i'm thankful to have lazed around, first in a hot bath with epsom salts and then in bed under a cool white sheet, for most of the afternoon. i'm thankful for that feeling of fatigue and quiet euphoria, even though it so often (as it did yesterday) crossfades into a feeling of heightened anxiety. i'm thankful to know that the time i spent yesterday evening stressing about a problem at work was not because anything is really wrong at work but because of a chemical imbalance in my brain caused by intense energy expenditure, which pushed my body into panic mode. i'm thankful to have given up on doing anything "productive" with my evening yesterday and to have concentrated on relaxing as much as possible (which is always productive, especially on a sunday afternoon).
i'm thankful for swing time by zadie smith, which i read a large chunk of yesterday and which is lovely. i'm thankful to always feel in such good hands when i read one of her books, not that she is coddling me or is afraid to say or do things that might make me uncomfortable, but that i guess i feel...cared for in a certain way with certain of her books (especially white teeth and this one, i guess, which feel more romantic and nostalgic than nw or the autograph man or on beauty). i'm thankful for when you have built up trust with an author, such that opening a new book and starting to read it doesn't feel like this huge change that you have to get accustomed to but instead a chance to reconnect, both with them and the version of yourself who read their books in the past.
i'm thankful to have kind of given up on horizon zero dawn because i have been trying to kill this one giant robot dinosaur for the past probably 5 sessions i've played the game and cannot seem to do it. i'm thankful to know that i could temporarily turn the difficulty down to easy, as i did during another boss fight before, but i wonder if that would make me feel less happy once i destroyed the giant robot dinosaur. i'm thankful, instead of that game, to have been playing else heart.break(), which so far several hours in is equal parts boring and intriguing. i'm thankful to be playing a video game in which several hours in i haven't killed anyone or anything. i'm thankful, despite sometimes feeling (both literally and conceptually) lost in the faux scandi cyberpunk city of the game, that i want to keep playing.
i'm thankful that i maybe have dinner plans tonight but i'm thankful they also might get cancelled. i'm thankful that for d and i's dinner this week, i made mac and cheese and roasted brussels sprouts, which was one of our first favorite meals together. i'm thankful for superfluous bacon and for excess fish sauce. i'm thankful we watched several more episodes of girls and i'm thankful for a scene of rita wilson scatting, which was perfectly timed and made me laugh very hard. i'm thankful for this dissection of a tax form in zootopia. i'm thankful for this actual answer to the question "what kind of animal would you be" in an interview with tarkovsky. i'm thankful there's no problem here.
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