3/20/17

i'm thankful for big little lies and its sad evocations of toxic relationships. i'm thankful that instead of seeing the abusive husband played by alexander skarsgard and thinking "oh wow, thank god i'm not as bad as him," i see him stalking through a scene and think, disturbed, "there is a tiny little bit of me that is like him" and nestle closer to d. i'm thankful that once a friend at work was talking about the psychopath test and we were discussing how i might be a psychopath and she brought up the popular idea that if you're worried that you might be a psychopath, that alone means you're not a psychopath. i'm thankful that i found that comforting at the time, but i'm thankful to also believe that if you're worried you might be a psychopath, that's a sign that something inside your mind and how you relate to the world around you is wrong or bad, even fi you're not actually formally a psychopath—otherwise why would you worry about it?

i'm thankful for how refreshing it is "to finally see a relationship like mine reflected on-screen" (i'm thankful that d and i are both adam scott's character sometimes and reese witherspoon's character other times). i'm thankful to have made lasagna, one of d's favorite dishes i make, for our dinners this week. i'm thankful for the cook's illustrated recipe and thankful since we don't have a subscription anymore for the kind soul who reposted the recipe on her blog (i'm thankful that if you don't want to or can't buy "meatloaf mix" you can just use a pound of sausage; i'm thankful to use more cream and cheese than is called for and to normally use a can of whole tomatoes rather than a can of diced tomatoes but that i forgot this when making lasagna this week and it still turned out well). i'm thankful to have had two chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches for dessert. i'm thankful that though there were no bananas at the grocery store when we went (!) i will go later in the week and buy more bananas.

i'm thankful for xanax, which is much better than podcasts, but i'm also thankful for podcasts, which are wonderful for making chores less boring (even something to look forward to) and distracting yourself from bad thoughts late at night and accompanying you on long walks or runs or rides (i'm thankful that spring is coming and it will soon be time for long walks or runs or rides). i'm thankful that during the periods of my life where my jobs involved doing very simple but very tedious clerical work for long periods of time, i was able to listen to podcasts while doing it. i'm thankful that though i'm happy now to have a job that challenges me every day and always requires my full attention, i sometimes feel nostalgic for those days.

i'm thankful to have finalized my insurance and 401k for my new job. i'm thankful that d and i are going to the eye doctor next week so that we can go get new glasses. i'm thankful that this week i am also going to schedule the annual ultrasound of my heart, as well as probably an appointment with my primary care doctor. i'm thankful that my primary care doctor is moving and i need to get a new doctor, even though that is annoying, because she never struck me as the greatest doctor, though i do have her to thank for prescribing the antidepressants and sleeping pills that have made life in my body tolerable so probably i should shut the fuck up. i'm thankful for kafka's diaries (and for reiner stach's amazing biography, which both jk and i loved). i'm thankful to have stayed up past my bedtime last night reading parable of the talents, even though that was probably a bad idea.