2/25/19

i'm thankful for the taste of chocolate covered espresso beans, which i have always enjoyed but avoided but have been experimenting with a bit lately as a way to try (there's no way this doesn't sound stupid!) microdosing caffeine, since i have long felt limited by the fact that everyone around me can take this drug that makes them sharper and i am too afraid of the way that it can make me spiral.

i'm thankful for the beans, even though i shouldn't have eaten them last night so close to bedtime, since i then had one of those nights where and i had this really awful dream where i was in a group photo and i kept being the one fucking up the group photo because of my lazy eye and eventually they asked me to leave so that they could take a good photo and i'm thankful that this nightmare scenario has never actually happened to me in real life though i have tried on every possible occasion to take myself out of posed photos because i know the experience of ruining photos (both the experience of doing it in the moment and of then living with it in the resultant images) and it bums me out.

i'm thankful for one of the weird things about working remotely, which is that i dress like a warm comfortable schlub all day, but then i also spend a lot of time during the week looking at a little webcam livestream square of myself and looking at my potato head, rounder lately, all the time is also bumming me out, and i'm thankful that i just learned that i can hide that video! i'm thankful that i got some new pants from uniqlo to replace some pants that no longer fit well. i'm thankful that i found some new sweaters on sale at H&M. i'm thankful for stretchy materials. i'm thankful that d gave me a haircut and i feel less sloppy now (i'm thankful, also, that when we were at the mall over the weekend and passed a new salon and i was immediately thankful that because d cuts my hair i don't have to devote any mental bandwidth to that.

i'm thankful that though i don't enjoy the experience of riding a bike as much in the winter, it's still a useful conveyance and i'm thankful that i had a nice little ride to go to lunch and cowork with kh and a cool teammate who's in town for a little while. i'm thankful that they liked the warheads sour spray i found at a candy store on the weekend and brought them. i'm thankful that we spent a few hours in the afternoon working from a cafe, and i'm thankful that i do not have to do that very often, since it was deafeningly echoey and uncomfortable, it is good to be reminded of the pleasure of working at home. i'm thankful that d is taking miso to the office for the day today and i'm thankful for the deep quiet of the house right now.

i'm thankful that i was able to refill my antidepressants and sleeping pill via my health care provider's live chat, which was great. i'm thankful we facetimed with my parents last night and my dad was off from work and they were happy to talk to us. i'm thankful that they're taking a vacation to florida next week with their friends and are really excited about it. i'm thankful that we finally went to din tai fung over the weekend, which was tasty, though i prefer our usual dim sum place, and i'm thankful that night before last we made dry fried green beans. i'm thankful to finish this now so i can go put the frozen fish in the fridge to defrost. i'm thankful that when i was making my oatmeal this morning, i wasn't sure if there was going to be enough milk left in the carton (which was fine, since we had another carton) but then there was exactly the amount of milk i needed in the carton.