12/21/15
i'm thankful that there was a problem with cell signals traveling through the air when i went running through the thick gray morning yesterday and so neither my podcasts nor spotify were working and i had to listen to the only music i had on my phone, which was 1989. i'm thankful, despite quietly appreciating the undeniable "you belong with me" when it came out, that i didn't really like taylor swift for a long time and in fact actively disliked her for a while. i'm thankful that when 1989 first came out, i didn't really see the appeal and gently mocked d for buying a CD from target rather than just torrenting it. i'm thankful for the occasionally heated debates we had sitting on our apartment floor when i felt the need to set up lana del rey and/or beyonce (who we both loved) in a binary with tay-tay (who only she loved) as a way of enumerating their superiority to her, even though that was stupid and unnecessary and she was right. i'm thankful that despite my grumbling, d just kept playing the album because she loved it so much, in the apartment and in the car and in hotel rooms and on her laptop, and i kept listening to it, less and less grudgingly and then more and more enthusiastically. i'm thankful that over time, i was able to get past my initial resistance to the production, to this modern pop tendency for massed synths and harmonies and for everything to need to feel "epic," and against my even stronger resistance to taylor's persona, the constructed good girl perfection of which seemed antithetical to the kind of musical personas i generally prefer (which are usually rooted in "coolness" and "danger" and some kernel of rockist authenticity, even if they are playing with/stretching that concept, as, for ex., lana del rey does).
i'm thankful that even if i roll my eyes occasionally at taylor now, i do so with affection. i'm thankful i now find reading her social media and watching her cat videos and reading about her in profiles makes me happy, i'm thankful to check in with her, and i'm even more thankful for how much i've come to appreciate the album. i'm thankful how i still like hearing it in the car or in my headphones. i'm thankful that the song that i initially found the most hunger games ridiculous, "i know places," is actually my favorite song to run to now. i'm thankful for its ferocity and for the way that the ryan tedder superchoruses slam in, giving me bursts of speed. i'm thankful for the way the neurochemical intensity of running can sync up with music to make me cry sometimes while running even if i'm not (consciously) sad. i'm thankful for the thrumming catharsis of that.
i'm thankful that after d fell asleep trying to watch the second episode of the expanse with me last night after dinner, we left outer space to watch the 1989 concert film. i'm thankful for my/our disappointment in the aesthetic of the special, for the way that the overcaffeinated editing and the weird figure skating costume mediocrity "let's put on a show" theater geek sense of it made me appreciate both taylor's videos (especially the "style" video, which i think is totally exquisite digital psych abercrombie porn) and beyonce's completely flawless video album even more (so i guess i still haven't abandoned that binary and i'm thankful that i can cling to its wreckage). i'm thankful that some of the concert rearrangements of her songs were interesting ("trouble" with a devilish drumless opening and an acid guitar solo at the end) and some were ill-advised, even if i can see the logic behind them ("love story" recast as room temperature stadium synth pad pop—never have i missed a fiddle more in my life, even if the exuberance of the key change in the final chorus was still able to push up through the reverb). i'm thankful, despite the lameness of some of the staging and despite how taylor's "intimate" stadium chats with the audience represented the aspects of her persona that i like least, that the songs are still great and i still enjoyed hearing them sung and i'm thankful that as i lost interest and looked at things on my phone, that d still sang along and i could listen to her voice layering with taylor’s and the stadium's. i'm thankful for d's singing voice, and i'm thankful that she turned off the concert film early because she wanted to be able to better focus on a challenge in zelda: a link between two worlds, which i gave her as an early christmas present.
i'm thankful for zan romanoff's writing about taylor swift, which d sent me when she was trying to convince me of how great she is. i'm thankful for the other great things i read this weekend. i'm thankful for this essay by jaime lowe about lithium. i'm thankful for this essay by siri hustvedt about literary misogyny and knaussgard. i'm thankful for this essay by erin chack about love. i'm thankful that i'm still enjoying the thousand autumns of jacob de zoet. i'm thankful for the rest of that new york magazine was great, even if i'd read a lot of it online already. i'm thankful that after i confessed to her that, intending to just have a few pieces of the tub she gave me last week, i had ended up almost eating the whole thing, d surprised me with another giant tub of caramel corn which she had held in reserve. i'm thankful that i will have lots of time to exercise during vacation. i'm thankful for the old pair of laundry day underwear that had a large hole in the crotch, which i hulkishly ripped off my body to entertain d. i'm thankful that though d and i both passed through clouds of irritability yesterday, we came together to make this delicious lasagna. i'm thankful to look forward to dinner tonight, when we can have more of it. i'm thankful for leftovers.