12/16/15
i'm thankful for my morning yoga in an empty gym. i'm thankful that, unlike so many people, i have a labor union that collectively bargains for my benefits and that they recognize the importance of breaks to my mental and emotional health. i'm thankful that even though our governor is a vile piece of dog shit, he's at least not scott walker. i'm thankful for doing one-legged downward dog, which i hadn't done for a while and which felt especially good. i'm thankful for the smoothness of threading my leg through my arms to transition from that into warrior one. i'm thankful for the solidity of the black foam mats in the gym.
i'm thankful that yesterday, there was a faculty/staff luncheon in the gym and i asked some of the visiting lecturers to go with me. i'm thankful because it was such a simple thing for me to do now and was something i would have found impossible to do in the past. i'm thankful that my life has changed so much from my second high school in tennessee, where every day lunch was a thirty minute panic attack of roaming the hallways in nomadic circles and hiding in different bathroom stalls to avoid being seen alone. i'm thankful i don't have to live in those loops anymore, waiting until i could get to my history class and escape another day's "free time." i'm thankful to remember how on september 11th, i felt less alone than normal because all of the teachers were sitting in my history class during lunch and watching TV and it was okay for me to sit quietly with them and eat my ham sandwich, because we were participating in a historical moment. i'm thankful that at lunch yesterday, the visiting lecturers and i had a great time joking and laughing and talking about the mediocre food (i'm thankful that though it was the second-worst macaroni and cheese i've ever had, it was still a free lunch). i'm thankful to learn about their holiday plans, about life in taiwan, and about the tradition of funeral strippers. i'm thankful for this sentence on the topic from wikipedia: "In some Asian cultures, particularly in Taiwan, the impetus for exotic dancing is that the family members want to have a well-attended funeral "to ensure that the deceased travels well into the afterlife"; in addition, like having a well-attended wedding, having many people at a funeral is a mark of prestige, and bringing entertainment to a funeral is one way to accomplish this."
i'm thankful that even though i undercooked the brown rice for dinner, i didn't scorch the pressure cooker this time. i'm thankful for another chance to do it better tonight. i'm thankful that we didn't really miss the red cabbage i forgot to buy, and thankful that i finally used up the last of the two gallon jar of kimchi. i'm thankful that after dinner, i permitted myself to continue eating sweetos, further study of which has revealed a buttery bass note to match the harmony of sweet and savory. i'm thankful that the mangoes i bought on saturday might finally be ripe enough to eat for dessert.
i'm thankful that even though i felt caught in the undertow of a wave of despair yesterday evening, i was able to recognize it early and keep it from enveloping me. i'm thankful for antidepressants and i'm thankful for deep breathing. i'm thankful for my new electric toothbrush head, which gets my teeth so clean, and i'm thankful that rather than looking at my phone, i'm going to be more mindful while i brush, which will benefit my mental and emotional (as well as dental) health (and will also keep my new electric toothbrush head from getting chewed on). i'm thankful that i've given up my long-held prejudice against historical fiction (even if there are still things about it i find strange) and that this david mitchell novel was a place for my brain to go.
i'm thankful, though i normally hate epigrams and platitudes about creativity, for this quotation from martha graham that patricia lockwood posted on twitter: "there is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. the world will not have it. it is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. it is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. you do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. you have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. keep the channel open." i'm thankful for the authority and power of that statement, for the reassurance it provides, and also for the next sentence after it, which, after that grand pronouncement, i find hilarious in its specificity: "as for you, agnes, you have a peculiar and unusual gift and you have so far used about one third of your talent." i'm thankful to be able to hope that i haven't used my full talent yet, and that i am keeping the channel open.