11/6/19

i'm thankful that yesterday morning playing tetris on the treadmill i hit a perfect clear (i'm thankful for the perfect clear, where you clear the entire board of tetrominos in one move, which feels like such a serendipitous combination of patterns in randomness and luck) and then (partly because of the score bump) beat my high score.

i'm thankful that last night i was playing the outer worlds and still not really enjoying myself or getting into the game and so i switched over to playing the tetris effect instead and that was more enjoyable. i'm thankful for the visual and musical play of that game, but i'm also thankful to have realized how accustomed i've become to the micro-mechanics of the controls to the switch version i play on the treadmill.

i'm thankful that last night i did not fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 PM and so was able to enjoy more of my evening leisure time. i'm thankful we finished watching the queer eye japan season, the last episode of which was about a sad middle-aged radio program director and which included a scene of an intense happy relieved sobbing embrace. i'm thankful to watch videos of people who have gotten through a difficult period in their marriage and moved on into greener pastures.

i'm thankful that when i woke up early this morning, i tried meditating again, even though it did not go particularly well (i'm thankful for all the meditating people who say you can't "fail" at meditating and that my need to attach a quality judgement to my session is imposing a layer of thought that's antithetical to the point of the meditation, but i'm also thankful that i've had some really powerful meditation sessions in my life and to understand the difference between those and this, which might be driven by trying to do it half asleep at 5:30 AM.

i'm thankful that though i feel anxious about work, i have felt anxious about work for a long time and though that sucks, there is also a weird kind of comfort in a bad feeling you know versus one you don't. i'm thankful to know that, like the meditation thing, there is probably a larger enlightenment i'm missing there, but i'm thankful to work with what i've got for now. i'm thankful that i had a good pairing session where i taught a teammate about how they can use the chrome element inspector and walked through my process for working on a pull request. i'm thankful to get up and do my work every day even though it's hard and i feel a lot of dread.

i'm thankful that d and i made a date to go to the doctor together tomorrow so we can make sure there's no interruption in our psych meds, the supplies of which will run out relatively soon. i'm thankful that though i'm a hypochondriac always afraid to go to the doctor, having gone to the doctor (and to the attendant specialist appointments i have been putting off but will have to go to) will ultimately be a good thing that will make me more secure.

i'm thankful for d and miso. i'm thankful that d did laundry yesterday and i'm thankful that we had a charcuterie board for dinner, even though preparing the charcuterie board, which i had proposed as an "easy" dinner, is actually not really that much less work or time than just making an entire dish, which is a good thing to remember for the future. i'm thankful for how well a frozen boule of pre-baked sourdough freshens up in the oven. i'm thankful for the many varieties of cheese.