10/5/17

i'm thankful for my meeting with her, even though i misunderstood what the meeting was (which was an intake interview to determine what other services would be useful for me, versus what i thought which was a direct appointment with a psychiatric NP to change my medication). i'm thankful that she was a very kind and thoughtful person and that she asked me interesting questions about myself. i'm thankful that for years i have often fantasized about being interviewed and this was an interesting kind of thing like that. i'm thankful for her most interesting question, which was about what d might have said to the psychologist that would reveal something to her that i hadn't told her so far. i'm thankful that though i couldn't think of anything, it was interesting to think about. 

i'm thankful that last night i was telling d about this and she told me about how she told her therapist a thing i said about how she is always worried about how hard she is being on other people but doesn't worry about how hard she is on herself, which made me proud. i'm thankful for our discussion of why the therapist has you do intake paperwork where you answer questions and then asks the same questions in conversation in her office. i'm thankful to have theorized that this is because the different ways that a person might respond to the same question in two different mediums might provide insight that would otherwise be lost. 

i'm thankful that when the psychologist asked me who i talk about my feelings to i said "mostly my wife" and then "...i also keep a gratitude journal." i'm thankful that i wasn't technically lying, but i'm thankful that i didn't tell her about you reading this, since that seemed like it might be a distraction. i'm thankful that the psychologist agreed it seemed like medication was the best course of treatment for me now and that i was able to schedule an appointment with a psychiatric NP. i'm thankful that though that appointment's not for two and a half weeks and i wish it were sooner, i think i can hang in there until then.

i'm thankful for this list of places where reality is a little bit altered (i'm also thankful for this one). i'm thankful that last night we watched the episode of bojack that takes place at an underwater film festival, which was my favorite episode of the show so far. i'm thankful for the various ontological questions that the universe of that show makes me think about, about what a world where people are part animal and part human would be like (i'm thankful to know that humans are animals, but i'm thankful you know what i mean). i'm thankful to be my own fidget spinner. i'm thankful to have nothing but respect for my national anthem.

i'm thankful that yesterday evening we were listening to music together in the living room. i'm thankful for many reasons that we don't live an apartment anymore, but probably most of all that we can listen to music as loud as we want, with full bass, without having to worry about bothering our neighbors. i'm thankful to have played a lot of tom petty—i'm thankful to have several times played (and to be playing again now, while i write this, on loop) "don't do me like that," which i never thought of as one of my favorite tom petty songs but i think might now be my very favorite tom petty song (i'm thankful it's difficult to choose). i'm thankful for the sassy sprezzatura of the verses, for the push pull of the rhythm and the insistent piano, for the way he sings the phrase "public eye."