10/31

i'm thankful, when it is cold, for the feeling of being under a blanket, even though i know that this is an almost narcotic force that keeps me from doing things that would require me to not be under a blanket, it just feels too good and glues me in, but i'm thankful, in a world of bad feelings, to embrace a relatively harmless good one.

i'm thankful that since i have started writing these regularly, even though it hasn't necessarily helped that much with my anxiety about things (though maybe a little), i can sense how it has improved my capacity for tenderness, that much more often i think outside of myself about people and things (and misos) in my life that i love and appreciate, and luxuriate in those feelings of tenderness, and that is a pure and good thing.

i'm thankful that last night for dinner we had burrito bowls made from the leftovers from the fajitas we had been eating earlier in the week and i'm thankful to try to make full use of our leftovers rather than being wasteful but i'm also thankful, halfway into my bowl, to have let myself stop eating them because they didn't make me happy and instead had some tortilla chips and a few mandarin oranges and then ate more ice cream than i otherwise would have for dessert.

i'm thankful that when i see little chunks of black whatever on the floor, i briefly fear that miso, who has not had an accident in the house in a long time, has pooped on the floor, before i look more closely and realize that they are little chunks of rubber from the tire toy we got her on the weekend and while that is still gross, it is not as gross as poop. i'm thankful for the hilarious gross little squeaky noise the rubber makes as she chews it.

(i'm thankful that right now as i write this, lying in bed under my top sheet (i'm thankful for top sheets forever, don't @ me) and gravity blanket with my knees up and my ipad in its keyboard case propped on them, that miso laid down on the part of the blanket where my feet were and the pressure of her weight there is comforting and nice, especially because at this part of the morning she has a tendency to be a little snappy and territorial)

i'm thankful when a song or artist that i do not expect to have karaoke versions of their songs does, as was the case last night when i was doing couch karaoke (under a blanket, of course) and sang "north american scum" by LCD soundsystem, which is on karafun and which is so fun to sing. i'm thankful for the $8.99 monthly membership to karafun, which is always worth the joy it returns to me and also doesn't auto resubscribe after your month is up, which is commendable in a world of predatory passive income streams

i'm thankful for songs that i have a really distinctive memory connected to, such as the almost uncanny recall i have of listening to "north american scum" while sprinting down collins avenue in miami beach past some kind of regatta in 90 degree heat during the time when my body was most tuned and fit it ever has been (even though my mind was gnarled and sad). i'm thankful to have a similar memory about "new york i love you but you're bringing me down" which i listened to on my mp3 cd player (!) while jogging up and down flights of stairs in my korean apartment building in winter after getting off my teaching job at 10pm.

i'm thankful that i have been able to play slay the spire during my daily treadmill runs, since i thought at first it was going to be too slow or require too much thought, and since it is a game i feel like i will be able to play forever. i'm thankful also for puyo puyo tetris, which i play for shorter intervals, and i'm thankful whenever i get 150 lines in a session, which i do more often than i did in the past. i'm thankful that though there is an element of randomness in tetris that i'm sure is relevant, it feels more like i am playing a game with my ability to not make unforced errors, and that is a satisfying game to play with myself.

i'm thankful to have had a good meeting with my coworker t, who is now on our team full time and who has all these plans to help me deal with the vacuum of management i have been living in, which is so heartening. i'm thankful that though i do not have much prepared for my weekly meeting with the kind engineer today, which is something i feel a little anxiety about, i must also remind myself that i almost always feel that anxiety and yet i have never come out of a meeting with him feeling like the anxiety that i felt before the meeting was justified or necessary, which is a good thing to remind myself of. i'm thankful that i'm going to get to work on a project with someone on our data team who i trained at all hands support when they first started at the company and who i love spending time with.

i'm thankful for the first episode of the new season of bojack horseman, even though it was very sad. i'm thankful for reruns of the office (US), which i hope never stop feeling like a soothing bowl of chicken soup that i can return to whenever i need it. i'm thankful for steve carell, who is a treasure. i'm thankful that  i tested out my halloween costume and i'm happy with it. i'm thankful that today is thursday and tomorrow is friday.