10/25
i'm thankful that though i very stupidly missed the psych appointment i had scheduled yesterday and had been waiting for weeks for because i had the wrong time for it in my head, i was able to reschedule for next tuesday. i'm thankful that though i have been feeling anxious and though that worsened yesterday and is bad this morning, i know that i can hang in there until next tuesday, though i wish it were sooner. i'm thankful to know that it's not useful to keep beating myself up over not having made it to the appointment, since i can't change the past, but i'm thankful that i have added more redundancy to my reminder system for appointments so that i don't miss the next one.
i'm thankful to have felt shame and thought of the phrase "i'm not a flaky person" when beating myself up over meeting the appointment, but then to critique my reflexive assignment of flakiness as an essential characteristic of some people, when i'm sure that for people i think of as "flaky," there are probably a spectrum of reasons why they might be late or not show up or cancel at the last minute and it would be better for me to try to empathize with them about the reasons they might flake out than to silently critique (the projection of them) in my mind.
i'm thankful that i did accomplish some things yesterday, so it was not a total loss (i'm thankful to know that even if i didn't accomplish anything, it still wouldn't have been a total loss or a loss at all—i'm thankful to challenge the stupid protestant work ethic my mind can default to). i'm thankful to have mowed the yard (and to have decided, after doing some reading, to not rake first, since apparently the mulched leaves are good for the soil), which was satisfying. i'm thankful to have cleaned and straightened the kitchen and the area beside the bed and my office. i'm thankful to have made a run to the supermarket and gotten d bagels and cream cheese, which she had a craving for. i'm thankful to have done some more react tutorial work (i'm thankful for codecademy's lessons on this, which were surprisingly helpful) and to have then started on a real project using it. i'm thankful that it's making more sense now that i've got it under my fingers rather than just in my head.
i'm thankful that though i feel very anxious about going to work today, i know that it will be fine and this is just my mind making my body feel things that are . i'm thankful that though it will be hard to get back into the groove of work after a whole week off, i know i can do it. i'm thankful to hope that i can catch up on the things that i missed while i was out in a timely fashion. i'm thankful that i get to have my first solo training session with a new employee today. i'm thankful to get to spend time with my coworkers again. i'm thankful to hope that i'm able to meet my productivity metrics, but i'm thankful to also know that if i don't meet them it won't be the end of the world and i shouldn't put too much pressure on myself. i'm thankful to repeat to myself that i shouldn't put too much pressure on myself, since it is something i can't repeat to myself enough.
i'm thankful for the most recent broad city episode about depression. i'm thankful that the depiction of ilana's obsession with her SAD lamp and its diminishing returns of relief from mental illness felt so true and resonant—i'm thankful to experience art that depicts my feelings and experiences so specifically, how when you feel bad, you feel there must be concrete action you as an individual can take in the moment right now to make yourself feel better, how you feel that it must be possible for you to handle and control your feelings if you just try a little harder or do this one thing and that when that thing doesn't work and you still feel bad, you also feel like a failure, even though you're not a failure, it's just that there are limits to how much you can control or direct the way you feel.
i'm thankful for the moment in the episode where ru paul empathizes with her and then tells her her depression is kind of sexy and, with a pitch perfect knowing tone, says he hopes she never gets better. i'm thankful for the sweetness of ilana's smile in response to that, her most genuine smile in an episode that is full of manic face-pulling. i'm thankful that yesterday after missing my appointment and facing another week without new medication, i went to the supermarket and bought a bunch of herbal anti-anxiety things, even though they probably don't really work. i'm thankful to have the privilege to waste money in the hope that it might make me feel 5 or 10% placebo effect better for a few days.
i'm thankful for the cute video jk sent us of her daughter dancing in the backseat of a car. i'm thankful for this weirdly hypnotic set of "school hacks." i'm thankful that there is a new nina freeman game. i'm thankful to have learned from the frankfurt school biography about how horkheimer got freaky and walter benjamin was kind of a scrub. i'm thankful for rilke on productivity. i'm thankful to imagine nathan fielder talking to lana del rey. i'm thankful that yesterday was drake's birthday, even though finding that out made me realize that i'm older than drake, which was depressing. i'm thankful that there are lots of people i am younger than too.
Don't miss what's next. Subscribe to thank you notes: