When the grass actually is greener on the other side
The grass is always greener on the other side. It's a simple saying that's supposed to teach a simple lesson—namely, that you are always going to want what you don't currently have. But sometimes the grass actually is greener on the other side.
A year ago I worked in a marketing department. I felt guilty about that every day, which is probably why I was depressed. Then I quit and something strange happened: everything got better.
This sounds straightforward because it is, but the decision wasn't an easy one. I agonized over it, in part because I'd internalized the grass is always greener mentality. I assumed what I had was about as good as it could get, even though I was depressed constantly, and even though I used to get a lot of satisfaction from my work before marketing. I didn't believe that a change would make my life better.
I worked hard to be content. I made friends at my job—good friends—and there was a lot about the situation that I liked. But, again: I was depressed constantly. The more I learned about marketing, as a profession, the more I realized it was incompatible with my values, and the worse I felt about participating in it. I was spiraling constantly.
I like explaining technology in plain English. I'm good at it, too, which is why anyone who Googles a computer problem will end up reading something I wrote at some point. It's how I made my career, which I'd been doing for a decade when the software company I worked for hired me. They wanted me to write the kinds of articles that show up in search results, and within a few years about a quarter of all traffic to their blog was to an article I wrote. That might still be true—I don't know.
The reason this job worked for me was because I was permitted to write what was helpful, mostly ignoring company strategy. This was, at least in part, because the company didn't really have a marketing strategy when I started, which in my opinion was great. When I compiled a list of the best to do list apps, that's all I did: compile a list of the apps I thought were best. I didn't care about the company's priorities. I just wanted to write the best, most helpful articles that I could.
This, I believe, is why my articles ended up ranking so highly in search results: they were written by someone attempting to answer the question, not someone using the question as a launching off point to some other priorities. Algorithms don't pick up on those subtleties, granted, but readers do. Readers are smart, and will close articles that clearly aren't interesting in answering their question. They will work to find an article that actually answers their questions. Those choices feed into the algorithm, which is why it's important for articles aiming to end up in search results to actually answer the fucking question. At least, that's what I believe.
And those beliefs worked for me and the company. To this day I sometimes see articles published by third parties attempting to explain how I was so effective at my job. Such articles usually assigned all kinds of marketing strategies to my writing that, in truth, I didn't think about even a little bit, and in some cases which I actively argued against including.
Still, I could have continued happily writing such articles for that company for a long time, and it would have been profitable for them. But that wasn't enough. The company re-organized everything constantly, and every re-organization put me in a situation where I had to write marketing copy. They'd make me attend marketing meetings that consistently sent me spiraling with anxiety, until I'd manage to change departments or teams so I could focus on what I do best again, at which point another reorganization would mess that up. This would happen like clockwork.
My work friends, rightly concerned for my well being, told me to find a therapist—to learn how to deal with these feelings so I can function in this environment. But when I found a therapist, they pointed out what should have been obvious: forcing myself to engage with materials and activities that infuriated and depressed me wasn't healthy, and that I'd be happier if I stopped trying.
It was a revelation.
So that's what I did, and it helped a lot. I skipped meetings, or attended them with my camera off—playing ambient music in the background while upper managers droned on in their jargon-infused nonsense language that I didn't care to understand. It was a a lot more relaxing than my previous approach, which was to pay attention and get angry about it.
I told my manager I was promoting myself to freelancer. I focused on writing the sort of helpful articles that I feel good about and actively ignored everything else about the job, and it was working. I felt better. I started on anti-depressants, which helped even more. I felt like a person again.
But then, a few months later, I found out that the company was going to re-organize again and this time force me to write straight marketing copy. I agonized over what to do. I knew that attempting to do this would undo a lot of the mental health progress I'd made, but I also didn't want to give up on the position I had. I'd internalized the logic of the grass is greener, and assumed if I left, things would be worse.
But you know what? The grass actually was greener on the other side. I decided to leave that company to build a freelance career. I'm writing for several editors I admire and love working with. It's no exaggeration to say that absolutely everything about my life is better now than it was before, and that's not just about work: food tastes better, music sounds sweeter, colors are more vibrant. I stopped seeing my therapist, mostly because without that job I didn't have anything to talk about. I was just...content.
My depression made me think that the grass couldn't possibly be greener on the other side. I thought the grass being greener on the other side was always an illusion. That's not true, though. Sometimes the grass actually is greener, and you actually should jump over that fence.
Stuff I wrote
- 'We Are the Asteroid': The Case for Hope Amid Climate Fears WIRED It was such an honor to help cover WIRED's annual conference. This year was all about climate change, and it honestly made me believe that things could get better.
- How to Make Discord Look and Feel Like Slack WIRED Managed to get some friends into a screenshot.
- Your computer's calculator app stinks. Here are 4 better alternatives. PopSci I really think more people should know about notepad calculator apps. They made me kind of not hate numbers.
- How to create a file transfer hub between your computer and your Android phone PopSci Installing an FTP server on your phone makes file transfers so much easier, you guys.
Stuff I did
- Looked for mushrooms with some friends. We only found a few chanterelles but they were delicious. We'll try again after it rains—there should be more then.
- We pressed some cider and brewed some lavender wheat ale! Both need a little time to age, I think, but in a week or so they should be perfect. Then next brew will be pumpkin ale, which we want to be ready right in time for thanksgiving.
- Mira likes to burst into the garage and sit on the car. I do not know why. It is a mystery.
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