It's been a few strange weeks for me. As I find myself living alone again, time has stretched and distorted in new ways.

I've always known that I'm easily distracted, and that the whole world is out to slow me down by feeding me many distractions.

As work opportunities have dwindled (I lead corporate training workshops on Public Speaking, Teambuilding, Crisis and Conflict Management, Harassment and Discrimination in the Workplace, Drug Prevention at School, etc. ; I also teach improv and coach actors), I've had more than my share of free time to… to do what really?

To take it slow. To observe. To reflect. To understand the present moment in all its curiosity.

To be honest about who I want to be.

It's not been easy. The world keeps feeding me distractions: success stories I compare myself to, video games, stuff to buy, “improvements” galore.

I've found it incredibly hard to start a task, to be disciplined about writing, learning, pushing myself… because I like it slow. Yet I also know I need kicking to achieve goals I'll be proud of and happy about. I can spend a whole day not doing much. I'm fine with it.

I realise that the line between self-care (pausing, rejecting the debilitating idea of ‘constant productivity’) and movement / doing things to “carry on” is fine.

I'm an observer. In a group of people, I've been described as “the glue”. I have ideas to pass on. I gather, I initiate.

Yet, I also want to be the actor of my own life. That's the toughest part. To be my own leader and follow my words.

In other words, to believe in myself.