Three Things I Didn't Expect About Moving to Thailand
Appreciating bum guns, unwanted ant roomies, and nearly searing off my tongue -- adventure awaits in the Land of Smiles.
Wellspring: Issue 5
The King's Color
I never thought I'd absolutely need a yellow shirt, much less two or three. I don't particularly like yellow and it's not my color. But then, a lot of things change when you move countries and cultures.
And in Thailand, yellow is the King's color. Since relocating there in April of 2025, I've learned that people wear yellow on Mondays to honor the King. Hence, why I need a yellow shirt (or two) when I previously would never have considered the color.
I teased big news in the May issue of Wellspring. In mid-April, I traveled across the world to start a new life in Thailand. I'm currently teaching English as a foreign language in rather large high school.
It was not on my 2025 BINGO card -- or any BINGO card -- that I would end up in Thailand, but here I am. Instead of boring you with the hows and whys, I'm going to tell you three things about my experience so far that I didn't anticipate.
1. Bum Guns
Nothing goes down the toilet in Thailand, except shit and piss. Nothing. Not tampons, definitely not condoms, not even toilet paper.
Yes, you read that right. Not even toilet paper.
You do not flush toilet paper in Thailand. I learned this the hard way at the first hotel I stayed in Bangkok.
The sign posted above the commode in my hotel room very clearly said "Do Not Flush Anything Down Toilet". I thought they meant things like, not toilet paper. Because obviously toilet paper would be ok.
Well, I threw a wad of toilet paper in the crapper, and lo and behold, the thing backed up. I went to the front desk and asked for them to unblock the toilet. They kindly did, and very promptly, without saying anything about the toilet paper, either.
The third time the toilet backed up during my stay, the overnight front desk assistant, Troy*, came to the hotel room to have a look. I was irritated he didn't come with a plunger. As he entered the bathroom, I heard a noise -- a high-pitched sigh -- of utter disbelief and shock. Coming out of the bathroom, he very incredulously and patiently explained, "No toilet paper."
I was so stunned I stubbornly decided to dive deep into denial for a few minutes. He couldn't possibly mean no toilet paper -- what kind of farcical talk is that?! What was I supposed to do with the toilet paper if I couldn't flush it? Eat it? Plus, how does one get clean without toilet paper?
Troy departed and I sulked for another moment before doing what any modern man would do. That is, I Googled.
Google may be dicey these days, with trying to spice things up with AI and all, but this time it delivered a number of helpful results. All of which explained that you absolutely do not flush toilet paper down the crapper in Thailand. In order to get clean after using the loo, you're supposed to use what is referred to as the "bum gun".
It's basically a nozzle with a trigger (a gun) attached to a hose, which is further attached to the toilet. You simply point and shoot the bum gun and a spray of water comes out. Then, you dry yourself off using the toilet paper. The used paper gets thrown in a tidy little wastebasket next to the commode. So easy, even a farang** can do it.
At first I was incredulous. But once I tried the bum gun after an especially spicy Thai meal, there was no going back for me. Not only did the bum gun make cleanup easy, but it was, well, clean. My butt fairly sparkled. I became a bum gun convert from that day forward.
*This was the name printed on his nametag, though, it was probably an English nickname, something which is common in Thailand.
**Farang = foreigner.
2. Small Insects with Big Dick Energy
Let's talk about ants in Thailand.
Imagine a small black speck. It’s barely a whisper of presence, something that could fit between the millimeter marks in a ruler. This little being could even be called "cute" if you felt so inclined to become attached to it. But I wouldn't recommend it. Because these minuscule creatures have an enormous vibe that overshadows their tiny bodies. A giant fuck you vibe.
Case in point: I made the mistake of leaving an opened package of cookies out in my second hotel room, in Sukhothai. I was on the third floor, so it'd be safe enough, right? Wrong. It was swarming with ants when I returned to the room, their diminutive bodies vibrating loudly, as if to say, "FUCK YOU, WE'RE GONNA EAT ALL THIS SHIT."
Despite their teensy stature -- small even by ant standards -- ants in Thailand are terrifying. Because if you see one, a hundred thousand others are certainly on their way, bringing ruin in their wake. I once had ants all over an unopened, sealed bag of granola. Something about that bag attracted them, and when I poured out my granola, the ants rained down everywhere. On my table, in my bowl of granola, etc. There is a reason people in Thailand use bug spray religiously, and I suspect the giant cockroaches are only a marginal reason why. The ants are probably a huge primary reason.
Other insects in the land of smiles follow suit in their miniature stature but big attitudes. In my first few weeks of moving to Phichit, where I teach, I got an extremely itchy bite on my ankle from -- something. I am not actually sure what bit me, but it was probably small and it got me while I was wearing socks that covered my ankles. At any rate, the itch wouldn't go away and the bite turned spectacular shade of purple. In retrospect it probably should've terrified me more than it did. I eventually went to the pharmacy and got cream that relieved the itch and made things significantly less violet.
Then there was the incident where I passed out one night and left the bathroom light on by accident. In the morning, there were a shit-ton of small, winged bugs littering the bathroom floor. Not only had they wriggled their way through the screen in the bathroom and gotten stuck in the room, but they'd all had the audacity to die on me. It was rather rude, in my opinion, because then I had to spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning up their little dead bodies. Like, don't be so damn dramatic, guys. Tone it down.
3. The Food is Hot, Hot, HOT
There's a lot of hype about how incredible Thai food is. And I won't lie, it's pretty good. It's better than food I've had in Paris, for example, and Paris is supposedly a fine cuisine capital. But Thai food is only consistently incredible if:
you love everything stir fried
you'll eat rice and meat all the time
(plus, you don't mind the meat sometimes being more bone or gristle)
you'll eat egg with every meal
(seriously, they love a fried egg thrown on top of everything here)
and you loathe vegetables -- because you ain't getting any with most dishes.
There's also that small detail that Thai food is sometimes spicy as fuck. But the thing they don't warn you about the cuisine in Thailand is that the food is often hot as all fuck as well. Not spicy hot, but physically. When your plate arrives, often the food is still smoldering, and it's impossible to eat for a good fifteen minutes, unless you want to blister your tongue and mouth. Even my tea seems to come out boiling beyond what I'm used to, prepared in its little made-in-Thailand kettle. (But that's quite alright, because tea is worth the wait.)
At any rate, the reason the food is so intensely hot remains a mystery to me. I don’t understand why you would want your food to be scalding when it’s generally hot and humid enough to melt your very bones.
Until September, Dear Readers
That concludes this issue of Wellspring. I hope you were entertained and learned a few things. As my Thailand adventure continues, I'll be sure to add further updates in later newsletters.
The next issue will come out in September. Until then, you can find me on BlueSky and Facebook, and read past issues of Wellspring here in the archives.
Take care, all.