long live petunia
heads up, this is all about pet loss
i don't know much about the first half of petunia's life, but i do know it lead to her being the most wise, caring, and pure specimen of a sentient tumbleweed that i have ever encountered. she lived long, and she lived hard. at her last check up, the doc said they suspected she was older than our original assumption of 16- but who knows! what's the use of putting an age on a beam of light? we were just lucky to catch her while she was around.
i learned of petunia's existence moments after i learned of kat's existence- that is to say, i was struck with the ol' heart eye syndrome twice in mere minutes. what that does to a body! seven years later, i still haven't come down. i didn't get to meet petunia in the flesh for several months, but i always loved hearing about what she was up to. what a prime example of a creature! she was so weird! one time i walked in on her sitting upright, hind legs extended straight out in front of her, like a human. we briefly made eye contact, she realized i was on to her, and casually rolled over and began sitting like a typical cat. we have footage of her laying on her back, fully extended, just staring at the ceiling. what was she thinking? we will never know- she was operating on another level than the rest of us. as she grew older, she became a little more batty- you would look into her bright blue eyes and immediately understand her mind was outside of your potential for comprehension. we shared many routines, but each iterance had the potential to be different than the last. what an imp! what a character!!
petunia bug was known by many names: petunia, tunie, tuna bear, the noodler, tepuna, lamanoodle, tuna noodle casserole, toomba- you get the picture! she lived quite a life- many of you are probably unaware, but it is house canon that petunia was a member of the beastie boys while they were working on 'hello nasty' (but she left because she felt her ideas weren't respected). she also had a brief (though thoroughly torrid!) affair with a cockroach named chuck who lived at our first apartment (until petunia murdered him). watch out!! she was also (and forever will be) an honorary muppet.
a couple years after our meeting, we learned that petunia had early stage kidney disease. it was tough to reckon with at first- we knew that it would end up being terminal, but we didn't know how quickly it would progress. we switched her to a special prescription diet, and started adding a prescription probiotic supplement to her food (it was sprinkled on top of her food as a powder, and she loved it like kat loves parmesan). some time later, we added on a subcutaneous fluid routine- 2-3 times a week, we would warm up a bag of saline solution and dose her with 100ml of liquids (much like rich folks and those in the medical field do to themselves to quickly alleviate their hangovers!). these were her 'spa days'. she didn't particularly enjoy it, but she trusted us enough to allow it to happen. we were so honored to have earned that trust from her- we never wanted her to suffer. i think she realized after a time that these things we were doing kept her feeling alright.
there's a certain understanding of mortality that comes when you are doing extra work to keep your loved ones comfortable. you know it won't work forever, and at some point you'll have to let them go. of course, we hoped that petunia would peacefully pass in her sleep, but it just doesn't work like that. we knew that short of some traumatic happening, it would be our responsibility to let her go at a time that prioritized her comfort. we had conversations with our vet over the last few years, about knowing when it was time. it mostly came down to- is she still herself, and is she still eating and drinking, pooping and peeing? the spectrum of 'how much like herself is she' is a murky one, but we trusted ourselves to know when the line was crossed.
a few months ago, tunie suffered a seizure. it was terrifying, and honestly one of the worst nights of my life. we rushed her to the emergency vet hospital, but covid regulations wouldn't let us in the building. we had to drop her off, and then go home and wait for them to call us. it was a terrible experience, and a sleepless night (we didn't drop her off until after 10p). the docs didn't find anything wrong on the surface, but we had made the decision we wouldn't put her through any invasive or exploratory procedures to diagnose any unknowns. it would have been too dangerous for a being of her small stature. that experience really made us reckon with her mortality, and both kat and i really started the pre-grief stage. we had our own conversations with tuna, letting her know that we loved her endlessly, and she was allowed to go whenever she was ready.
for the next couple of months, she lived her normal life. still screaming for breakfast at four in the morning, and again at 4:35a, and again at 5:25a. she would curl up with us in bed, either on top of, or under the blanket with just her head popping out. she loved to be close to you. she loved people! (when we would have parties, she would take an occasional walk through the crowd, and sit in on a conversation for a while, until returning to her post on top of all the coats on our bed). she was unflappable, cool as the other side of the pillow, and ready to love you with every ounce of her tiny frame.
on christmas, we took petunia to a different vet hospital because she hadn't pooped in longer than we would have liked. kat and i both hoped there would be a simple solution to constipation, but individually, we both knew that it might be time. the wonderful christmas night vet, dr. d, laid out what was going on with her body- several systems were in decline. any treatment for one at that point could negatively impact another. it was an easy, but deeply, deeply painful decision to make after that. we had to say goodbye- it would have only gotten worse as time went on. we are so grateful we brought her in that night- i truly believe we were able to avoid any real suffering on her part. we were able to hold her in our arms and give her lots of kisses up until she passed (going through what i imagine must have been dozens of tissue boxes).
after all was said and done, we brought her back home. we laid my scarf that would line the bottom of her carrier whenever she went on a trip with us on top of her box, with a white rose on top, and placed her in a grave dug in our garden, where she loved to sit. in just a few months, she will be surrounded by flowers, and we will get to be there with her as we continue to cultivate our relationship with this home space.
i still look for her trailing behind me as i walk to the kitchen, and i still wait every night for her to come sit on my chest. she was such a big part of my life, in so many small ways, and i miss her very much. this week has been a rough one, but so many of our friends and family have shared their favorite memories of petunia with us. knowing how special she was to so many people has truly been a boon to our spirits. i am so grateful for the time i got to spend with petunia (due to the pandemic, we were able to spend much more quality time with her over the last few years, and i am grateful for every minute), and i will cherish the memories of her until i am so lucky to dip out the backdoor myself. if you ever smiled at a picture of petunia (even if you don't remember which specific ones), i would love to know about it. she was truly a special little gremlin.
long live petunia
thanks for reading,
xoxo josh