Getting to the Start Line
Two weeks ago, I went to see the Paris Marathon. As I stand on the sidelines cheering for the athletes, I find myself getting very emotional. This happens at most running and cycling events because I can relate to the commitment, time, and effort everyone has put into the preparation. And even though I’ve happily moved on from my time in professional cycling, the aspiration to become a professional (or semi-professional) athlete still lingers. In running, I wanted to achieve certain goals but never made them happen. One of them is to run a marathon in under three hours, but I never even get to the start line. I planned and prepared for it multiple times but always had to cancel, mostly due to injuries. Even though I have so much knowledge and experience, as well as access to athletes and coaches, I somehow never got there.
The expectations I have of myself add so much pressure and make me hyper-sensitive to each training run. How do my shins react to the increase in volume? How do my muscles react to high-intensity runs? How is my digestive system handling the nutrition during and after training? My head starts to take over. And with every training session, I think about the upcoming race and the pace I need to run for more than 42 kilometers. When and how much should I drink and eat, and will my body be able to take all of it? In addition, I often pick a popular race, like the Chicago Marathon, that adds another layer of pressure. “If I fly to Chicago, I have to run the marathon in under three hours." It feels like it's not worth the cost and effort to go on a trip like that just to participate. I also get scared that I risk my ultimate goal: running for the rest of my life. It’s too important for me. I can’t risk my way of living, even my way of being, for a sub-three marathon. All of those thoughts and my over-motivated approach make running less and less enjoyable.
Why do I end up in this situation over and over again? Why am I unable to find the sweet spot between performance and pressure?
I give the result more meaning than the process. I ignore my very own beliefs and advice to others. I treat my body with not enough respect and overlook my age. I want to prove something to myself, no matter the price. I'd turn the race day into a gamble: If I made it under three hours, it would be a great day. If not, it would be a bad day. I stop myself from unlocking my full potential by hunting a goal vs. seeing how fast I can get by making a plan and enjoying the journey.
Lately, I run less. I do a lot of strength and cross-functional training; it feels good for my body and mind. There is no race I set my eyes on or any goal. Yet, I’d like to start the process of marathon training since I enjoy the benefits of it beyond running. I want to make and stick to a plan. I want to be aware of my body throughout the day and be sensitive to signals before, during, and after any activity. I want to fuel my body with nutritious food and allow myself to rest. I want to embrace the fact that not every run or training session will be great, but I can still have a good week. I want to try out new forms of training and apply learnings from other sports to my running practice. I want to adjust or change decisions during the process without questioning previous ones. What felt good three months ago can be different today.
Spring has arrived in Paris, and it’s so wonderful to sit in the park, walk around the gardens, meet friends for a glass of wine, and not think about running.
jonasschwaer.com