SU232 - The Non-Cult of the Burrito Slayer
There is something of a purist sentiment currently running amongst bike nerds of the non-spandex variety. Specifically: light and fast is out, heavy and slow is in. Rivendell Cycles recently received a glowing writeup in the New Yorker for their cult-like following and “normal bikes for normal people” ethos. This neat platitude ignores the fact that a normal person isn’t going to spend two or three thousand dollars on a bicycle and that the sort of person who would is not that different from someone riding a carbon fiber road bike of equivalent cost. Both are moreso buying into a hobby culture than purchasing something that meets their needs - not unlike buying a hand made felling axe from newly relaunched Best Made Co, a titanium french press from Japanese camping outfitter Snow Peak, or a Trail Rated Jeep Wrangler that will never once be driven off road.
For those who can’t buy into the culture, there is always the DIY route. Much as fixie enthusiasts who couldn’t afford track bikes converted old road frames in pursuit of a “purer” riding experience in the aughts, current riders who can’t afford a Rivendell are putting Brooks leather saddles and mustache bars on 90s mountain bikes designed with long wheelbases for stability.
I saw several of these bikes at the New York Bike Jumble in Brooklyn a few weeks ago. The event, held twice annually, is an opportunity for normal folks to pick up a reasonably priced used bike and for enthusiasts to buy parts, trade stories, and show off their rides. There was more than one Rivendell in attendance but their numbers were so dwarfed by the DIY versions that it struck me that I was at a loss for a name for these things. Asking around a little online, I learned of the term “burrito slayer,” which, as one can imagine, only lead to more questions.
“If you put an old stumpjumper frame next to a Rivendell, they’re pretty close” says Peter Vermeren aka Mister Jalopy of Coco’s Variety in Los Angeles. I called him this week because of the 5 links I could find online for the term “Burrito Slayer,” 4 of them went to his website. He’s been assembling these bikes for years now and despite the phrase starting to become common for a mountain bike with riser bars and slicks, it’s not as simple as that.
“People come to me all the time with bikes and say ‘hey I made a Burrito Slayer!’ and it’s close but not correct.” He doesn’t use mountain bikes because the adapters required to get a threadless stem high enough make it “look horsey.” Instead, high quill stems are used with zero rise swept handlebars. Add larger tires and platform pedals and the end result is a comfortable, upright bike for $300 to $400 that can handle just about anything a rider throws at it - from pavement to hopping curbs to occasional forays into dirt. He also puts together Baguette Slayers that are more road oriented and Hobo Campers for light adventure cycling.
The genesis of these bikes was, unsurprisingly, Rivendell. One of his employees was a fan of of theirs and tried putting together his own version from what they had on hand. “We made fun of him and called it a beach cruiser,” Vermeren recalls. But the bike filled a need - it was cheap and could do anything. “80% of the fun for 20% of the price” is one of Coco’s mottoes, another being “not rich, just rad.”
“Most of our business comes from referrals.” Vermeren says. “Someone who doesn’t know about bikes asks their bike guy friend and they say ‘I know just the place.’” Customers don’t know what they’re looking for when they come in the door but almost always leave happy.
While a Coco’s style Burrito Slayer is a cheap everyperson bike, there hasn’t been anything stopping anyone from turning their own older bike into a status symbol. There is a $1200 “period correct” stumpjumper on Craigslist as I write this and I imagine this is something we’ll see more of as the fixie kids find something new to obsess over.
Things I Want To Add To The Above But Ran Out of Time This Week:
More/better photos - I literally ran into a bunch of 20somethings on these bikes a few nights ago. I almost stopped to ask them questions but they were extremely high. There also should be more about how just 5 years ago they would have all been on adapted fixies.
Potentially tie in the rise of Adventure Cycling/bikecamping during the pandemic and how that lead to an increased interest in a bike that can “do anything” - especially as the fixie kids turned 30 and developed back issues and/or realized they needed gears if they wanted to keep their knee cartilage.
Adding that Vermeren told me the early 90s mountain bikes were designed with long wheelbases b/c they thought they needed to be stable but the end result was something that wouldn’t turn well to avoid obstacles. But I also realized most people at the peak of the 90s mountain bike boom weren’t buying them to take on trail so that probably suited most of the market just fine. Meanwhile the early 90s saw the rise of the hybrid bike but I’m guessing people mostly bought these not-great-for-mountains mountain bikes because they thought they looked cooler. Eventually the market more clearly split with aggressively designed mountain bikes on one side, road bikes on another, and a weird muddy middle.
Adding a bit where Vermeren mentioned he likes Rivendell a lot and actually has some of his parts on his personal bike. But they’re a different market, the same way that the local bike shops that cater to peleton people are a different market.
Some more deep digging into the r/xbiking subreddit. Apropos of nothing but the 90s Specialized Crossroads that I rode in college is maybe my favorite bike I’ve ever owned. Save for the grip shifters - truly the worst shifters ever invented.
The Song Of The Week Is An iPhone App
WFMU is an free-form radio station broadcasting the weird and indescribable out of Jersey City. This week they released an app that will let you stream literally any show they have in their archives. I am currently listening to an 11 minute Romanian prog song as I type this and my life may never be the same.
Links:
Last week’s closing thought was about discerning method from intent in art and I wish I had seen this article from The Baffler about the current spate of gimmicks saturating the art world.
Speaking of gimmicks: apparently gross and slick is out, faux vintage movie posters are in for AI generated “art.” “The Archival Look takes ‘all style no substance’ as our baseline understanding of images moving forward“ - wow man is it great living in the 80s again or what?
What is a photo? Let’s ask some smartphone manufacturers. Loosely summarized as something that’s real, something that’s real to you, and nothing is real lol buy our phones and we’ll superimpose the moon on your shit.
"[Most voters] understand that the Times has so thoroughly isolated itself from the zeitgeist that it’s written itself right out of it. We don’t need these fartsniffers anymore, if we ever did. We certainly don’t need to give them oxygen whenever they let Bret Stephens write op-eds like, 'If Kamala Wants To Win, She’s Gonna Have To Fix My Car First.'" Drew Magary thinks the New York Times isn't worth paying attention to anymore.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONNNEEEEEE (Indian-Bangladeshi restaurant left on 1st ave and it’s the only one I ever actually went to)
Puffin yeeting. I have never wanted to visit Iceland more than this moment.
Reverse engineering the 59 pound military printer they shoehorned into the Space Shuttle. Also: how to blow up a space station.
Closing Thought
It’s amazing how long it takes to notice something thriving versus how quickly you notice it dying.
Sincerely,
John P. Spain
Nap please
JohnSpainCo - PO Box 150272 Brooklyn NY 11215