Metapost: Early bird COTW

Would you like a comment of the week for your long holidy weekend, or perhaps your one-day return to work, or perhaps you don't even live in America or have a job? Well here it is, whatever your circumstances:

"They may have gotten the font wrong, but at least they still used a banner headline, which is what newspapers do for stories of mildly passing interest." --Missal

Your runners up are also here for you to enjoy!

"Marvin's recent shift to speaking instead of just thought-bubbling was weird, but developmentally made sense. But narratively this means everyone has to talk now, including the animals, and I don't really like the implications of this. It takes things from 'Magical realist whimsy about the inner lives of children and animals' to 'Cats are intelligent and have declared economic war on mankind with their only weapon: shitting.’” --Schroduck

"Mary, meanwhile, pays her respects by mournfully grabbing Jeff's ass. Considering that she hooked up with one of her many suitors at his mother's passing, it's clear that funerals really get the ol' gal going. No wonder she was so eager to arrange all this dead fish silliness: If she can spice up her stagnant love life with the deathly pallor of eroticism, she'll happily put up with Wilbur's blathering about 'closure' or whatever." --2+2=7

"You'd think given how much newspaper cartoonists love golf at least one of them would put in the effort to work out what hands look like when holding a golf club." --Veronica

"There are a lot of extremely nasty and unhealthy relationships in the comics, some of which are even noticed by the cartoonists who make them. The Halftracks' marriage has always been in the mix, but this vaults them from the low-boiling comfortable contempt of the Lockhorns up to just south of the outright substance abuse and domestic violence of the Thurstons and Capps. Sure, Mrs. Halftrack hasn't taken to 'humorously' beating her husband yet, but she has reached the point of abject hatred where every single thing her husband does infuriates her and prompts her to aggressively impose her will over him. Grim stuff. Almost as grim as a cartoon that thinks a drawing of a putting green makes for a serviceable comedic punchline." --jroggs

"Hi and Lois having another strip about golf: Stop this, no one but cartoonist cares about golf! Hi and Lois having a strip where they are having a mental breakdown and need to be held: Stop this, I don't want this to be relatable!" --Ettore Costa, on Bluesky

"[Stellan floating head approaches] Mary: [shakes head] [Stellan floating head recedes]" --Kevin on Earth

"3/15/2024: The National Association of Realtors announces a settlement ending their standard 6% commission. 7/1/2024: Lois experiences a very bad day. Coincidence? Probably. Grim? Oh my, yes. [Chortles darkly]" --I'm Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

"Nice of this strip to show the perils of making a phone call while on the can." --taig

"The print media pool has shrunk so much in Milford that the newspaper doesn't even bother putting their name on the banner. Which newspaper? The news paper. You know the one." --pugfuggly

"It's nice to see Gil worrying if he held his ex-wife back as he sits there comfortably reading the newspaper while his new girlfriend cooks his breakfast for him." --Tabby Lavalamp

"Clover Wins First Championship, Sedge Takes Second, Moss a Distant Third, Grass a Surprising Last in National Groundcover Competition" --Voshkod

"My sympathies lie with the Dad in the background who clearly doesn't want to be there and who's about to get an earful from his wife as he hands his kid a stick of cotton-candy by the spun sugar end.” --Hibbleton

"I would not call slipping into a deep depression after the loss of a goldfish a quirk." --Liam

"Dolly stares with cool curiosity. 'These humans experience violent distress,' she thinks. 'I can turn this to my advantage.' She's packed more menace into this look than Dennis has accomplished in seventy-plus years." --matt w

"Walt is canonically 124 years old and still both mentally sharp and able to stand on his own. He should be making millions from all the scientists studying him for the secrets to immortality. $7,000 is a pittance compared to that." --The Ghost of Jarrod

"Mr. Huff? Glenwood Police Department here. We want to let you know that we've recovered the missing sleeves from your undershirt, as well as the missing 'g' from the word 'calling' whose elision by you, together with the undershirt you're wearing, identify you unmistakably as a cartoon member of the Exposition Lower Classes." --Bob Tice

"So Randy's problems are environmental AND hereditary: a brutish father and a genetic predisposition to crew cuts." --MKay

"The first guy here appears to be drinking a shark smoothie, which he blended up in his Bass-o-Matic. Meanwhile, the other guy is sipping pure shark's blood through a straw, which is how you know he's a rage-aholic weirdo. We can only hope a shark attacks both of them out of pure revenge, but it's more likely we'll just get three more months of two-person dialogue scenes, which are far easier to draw." --BigTed

"The right way to celebrate our independence was to ditch Wilbur." --Little Blue Bicycle

"I want to hear the rest of this kid's tight five. How many more questions does he have in that chamber? 'Which one was funnier -- Lewis or Clark? What was Jamestown really like? Were you a bigger fan of the Angles, Saxons, or Jutes? What are your thoughts on people who sell bad copper?’” --els

"In the world of Hagar the Horrible, they have window glass and chef's costuming (kerchief, spatula, chef's hat), but nobody can hem a goddamn shirt sleeve." --Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women