Metapost: C [clap] O [clap] T [clap] W [clapclapclap]

Woo! It's the week's top comment! Woo!

"Beasley, you imbecile. That's not an award. The cup with '#1' on it is given out to all the mail carriers, on account of they don't give them time for bathroom breaks anymore." --Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

WOO! IT'S THE HILARIOUS RUNNERS UP! LEMME HEAR YA SAY "WOO!"

"Holy hell, Keane, you got outsmarted by goddamned Jeffy. It's time to finally step out to the store for the pack of cigarettes and start a new life in a new city under an assumed name, but you'll probably screw that up because you got outsmarted by goddamned Jeffy.” --Tabby Lavalamp

"By the by, Gertie, once you're done wigging out over cicadas in bananas, call the police! There's a giant bug monster in the house!" --ectojazzmage

"I shared this strip with my 20-something children, and they asked to be removed from the will." --taig

"I can see why strips about precocious children appeal to the newspaper comics' aging demographic. Both the very young and the very old live in a hazy cultural sphere where they're aware of the existence of things but aren't entirely clear on what those things are." --TheDiva

"Dagwood must be high as fuck on Scotchgard fumes if he made it all the way home without food stains on his beard." --nescio

"Wait a damn minute -- he left while Mary was mid-bake. You don't want those muffins once they get cold, friend." --Old School Allie Cat

"Get your guns and body armor. Call up your militia buddies. We're going to war, because I'll die before I live on 'Renewable Energy Alley.’” --Voshkod

"There once was a former Marine/ Whose intelligence wasn't so keen/ So to answer the question/ Due to steroid ingestion/ He has a non-functioning peen." --astroboy

"Mailherb didn't even deliver any mail today, junk or otherwise; he just wanted to show off. Still, at least he put in more effort than the artist art compiler, who could not be bothered to find (let alone draw) more appropriate hand-grip assets to go with that clip-art trophy." --jroggs

"I like that this strip seems to imply that postal workers can just deliver junk mail to whoever they want, whenever they want. The next time I end up with a big fat wad of sushi menus and political pamphlets I'll know its because I pissed someone off." --pugfuggly

"So Snuffy Smiff met God and refused to pay $50 for a painting. God punished Snuffy by making his mouth vanish, depriving him of speaking such insights as 'purty good thar, feller.' Did God punish Snuffy for not buying the painting? For calling him 'feller?' For praising His divine work as only 'purty good?' For murdering the English language? Parsons might explain away this depraved diety every Sunday but it boils down to a simple fact: you can't spell 'Hootin' Holler' without 'Hell' -- and that explains a lot of Snuffy's and the town's miserable existence." --KMD

"On second look and seeing Plato, looks more like a failed attempt to get some of that sweet Bose noise cancelling headphone product placement money. [Hangs up landline] 'That was Bose. It's a hard no. Hmm, run it anyway.’” --Hibbleton

"'Oh no, no, no! I'm not stupid enough to walk into this trap!’ Buddy, you knew what you were into when you signed up to appear in a Judge Parker strip as a short-lived villain. If you had developed a schtick with a pun-based stage name you could have been in Dick Tracy.” --Philip

"Beetle is practically a Bodhisattva. He has no interest in being conscious or having physical sensations like food for Sarge or music for Rocky or sex with Miss Buxley. His only desire is to sleep and let his ego dissolve with consciousness. Truly, he's the epitome of enlightenment! Or clinical depression, whatever." --Ettorre

"Oh no, no, no! I'm not stupid enough to walk into this trap! If I walk through that door, I'm committing to at least a 10-minute interaction inside! Which in this strip will take six months or more to play out! Not for me! So long, suckers!" --cheech wizard

"Not to be a stickler, but it's 'Wooo!! Choo-choo!!' when trying to get your kids to eat." --Kevin on Earth

"Honestly love the idea of little Billy Keane trying to namedrop his family at school while the teacher groans at his shit. 'Oh, I'm sorry ma'am, I was busy coming up with malapropisms for ... [lowers sunglasses] The Family Circus.’ [teacher is already stamping an F on his paper]" --Dan

"Billy simply drew his panic attack! The huge numbers on the blackboard and the droplets of sweat are nice touches but the kids laughing at Billy's incompetence are the strip's tragic, crowning glory. It's going to take more than a little art therapy to fix this kid." --Victor Von