dialogue
Friends,
This year I’ve had a project with my sister Lucia.
The project is improving our relationship.
We’ve never gotten along badly.
But our relationship is, at times, only “okay.”
We’ve been annoyed at or merely tolerating one another.
We started talking about it because, to navigate big things together, we wanted to be better than fine.
We wanted to be great.
***
What Lucia and I do to improve our relationship is talk on the phone, for 60 to 90 minutes, approximately once a month.
These calls have a very specific structure, inspired by the work of thinker Nancy Kline.
First, we do “news and goods”: each sharing one new thing and one good thing in our life—a succinct positive start.
Next, we do a process called “dialogue.”
The way that works, someone speaks first.
When they’re talking, you do not interrupt.
You’re totally attentive, listening to them.
You make it your job to be fascinated by their thinking and where it will go, versus preparing what you’re going to say next or any other response.
They talk as long as they want—and they can pause, think, or let silence linger.
When they’re finished, they say, simply, “What do you think?”
That’s the hand-off.
Then you talk—and they do not interrupt.
Just like that, Lucia and I go back and forth, about anything and everything, until we have about 10 minutes left on the call.
***
Our conversations have two final steps.
First, before hanging up, we schedule the next call if we haven’t already.
(Lucia taught me a fun acronym for this: BAMFAM, or “book a meeting from a meeting.”)
That way, there’s nothing to do or arrange between calls—they’re already on the calendar.
Last—and Nancy Kline is big on this—we exchange appreciations.
She says, “What I appreciate about you…” and completes that sentence.
And I say, “What I appreciate about you…” and complete mine.
Now, whereas we each may have felt agitated, apprehensive, or uncertain at certain points, we both feel warm, fuzzy, and connected.
Our relationship is ready for anything—or at least a lot stronger than it was before.
***
Maybe you wonder what Lucia and I talk about during our dialogue time.
It’s incredibly hodgepodge, but I’d say:
Neck pain
Emergency preparedness
Airport rendezvous etiquette
What’s okay to tell Mom and Dad and what’s private
“I find it really annoying when you…”
“I have a story that you think I’m…”
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
This new kind of skateboard I’m buying
This new play she’s going to
Recipes for red cabbage
You know—friend stuff.
***
If you’re intrigued and want your own Nancy Kline deep dive, I recommend her books Time to Think, More Time to Think, and The Promise That Changes Everything.
Or you can just create your own “news and goods”-dialogue-BAMFAM-appreciation four-step with any willing partner.
To do that, you might simply share or forward this email and ask: “Try it?”
Life’s too short to be just fine, and too great to be merely tolerated.
Projecting—
Jeremy