because
Dear friends,
Beware the word “because.”
Like this:
I feel angry because…
That’s a mistake.
And this:
I feel angry because you…
That’s a disaster.
***
I feel angry because… is a mistake because it takes me away from what’s important.
Cut “because” and see:
I feel angry.
I feel angry!
Period.
What does it feel like to feel angry?
What is anger asking of me?
What do I really want?
All those are way more important than any just-so story I might tell.
***
I feel angry because you… is a disaster because now the just-so story has become an argument.
I’m making someone else responsible for my emotions.
That leads both of us to misery much more often than it makes either one happy.
Cut the “because you” and lo—
I feel angry.
Again:
I feel angry!
Period.
What does it feel like to feel angry?
What is anger asking of me?
What do I really want?
***
Rewinding before “because” is a wise move with any feeling, not just anger.
Annoyed, concerned, confused, disappointed.
Discouraged, distressed, embarrassed, frustrated.
Helpless, hopeless, impatient, irritated.
Lonely, nervous, puzzled, sad.
Even so-called positive feelings, like proud, thankful, inspired, or glad, benefit from un-becausing.
We can feel these all without resorting to story or shifting responsibility.
Instead, whatever you feel—
Feel the feeling.
Listen to what it asks of you.
Connect with what you want.
Get after that.
***
Let me know if this serves you.
And reach out if there’s a specific emotional situation where “because“ still seems sticky.
I’ve also made a brief video, expanding on this topic.
In it, I share a complete list of what I call the “crayon box” of human emotions and share a six-minute-max challenge for navigating them all—so tune in and enjoy.
Regardless, consider the possibility that every feeling is for you, not against you.
So am I.
And so, if you let them, are everyone and everything else.
Just because—
Jeremy