Dear Friends,

Today, on my 47th birthday, I offer you a gift: A list of titles (47 of course!) of helpful articles that have yet to be written, but maybe should be someday by someone (maybe you? maybe me?) and then posted to wherever we find our favorite listicles, memes, inspirations, commentaries, and posts on how to be… better. If there’s one thing the Internet needs more of, it’s unsolicited advice on how we might improve ourselves!

47 Titles on Self-improvement

1. How to wonder aloud quietly in a monastery

2. How to meditate your way out of having to do the laundry

3. How to be parent in the metaverse

4. How to use blockchain to change a flat tire

5. How to speak Latin so clearly that even your dog will understand you

6. How to look like a person who looks like you

7. How to tune a hand-me-down toy piano with kindness

8. How to leave a party before it starts and get noticed

9. How to write poems on the bottom of your foot in pencil

10. How to smash dishes on the days when it’s not New Year’s Eve

11. How to fake cry with tears in the middle of a forest

12. How to tell when your emojis are working against you

13. How to bake cookies in reverse

14. How to make friends at the Circle K in 1985

15. How to say accio horcrux! under your breath and get results

16. How to score your dream job as a trail guide in an abandoned shopping mall

17. How to unlearn the times table in 144 easy steps

18. How to love when you’re the last one standing

19. How to do push ups at the bottom of the Great Salt Lake

20. How to be interesting to a goldfish

21. How to live like a hibernating bear in your post-apocalyptic bunker

22. How to caress earnestly the faux leather on the steering wheel of your hybrid car

23. How to fear only the things that others do not

24. How to post the same picture to Instagram everyday for the next 3 years

25. How to walk down two streets in opposite directions at once

26. How to breathe responsibly to help mitigate the climate crisis

27. How to minimize your own sense of self-importance like a boss

28. How to rent out your septic system on AirBnB for $400 a night

29. How to make a budget for the end of capitalism that actually works

30. How to watch a sunset with your eyes closed

31. How to send cash payments through a tin can telephone

32. How to serve day-old dumplings in a supermarket parking lot

33. How to catch snowflakes with a slotted spoon

34. How to fall out of a tree so it looks like you meant to

35. How to write the great American novel from a colony on Mars

36. How to eat peanuts on your back without choking

37. How to tell if the dust has settled in the dark

38. How to fight raccoons blindfolded by the compost heap – and win

39. How to impress an empress in the parlor

40. How to calculate all the ways time is folding in on itself

41. How to imagine the end of a global pandemic

42. How to feed a mushroom to a robot vacuum cleaner

43. How to hang on by a thread on consignment

44. How to pretend to read an email in the presence of others

45. How to forge identity papers in the pre-Internet era

46. How to drive on the right side of the road in the wrong country

47. How to make believe so that others believe you

Thanks again for reading. Getting older together,

Jeremy

Ps. Here’s a thought. If one of these titles piques your curiosity for some reason, let me know. I could write a future letter about it.

Pps. You’re welcome to comment on any of these letters on the Substack site. It might be interesting to spark some discussion.

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