A Response to the So-Called “Trolley Problem,” from the Makers of the Trolley:

1. We object to the term “problem.” We prefer to call it a bug.

2. When we built the trolley, no one could have anticipated that people would get on the tracks. This entire scenario was out of scope.

3. The trolley is still in beta. There’s a non-zero chance it’ll break down before anyone gets hurt.

4. Or it will become sentient, in which case, please don’t interfere.

5. The next version of the trolley will cure cancer and reverse climate change. We’re aware we said the same thing about this model, and instead it turned into an unstoppable runaway death machine. Growth mindset!

6. We can’t slow down the trolley or China will get there first. No, we can’t define where “there” is, but it’ll definitely be better than here, and if other people’s blood has to be spilled along the way, that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make.

7. Those people are trespassing. They’ll be hearing from our lawyers.