New achievement: Epiphany!

Jimothy, you’ve been such a loyal user that you’ve unlocked one of our most coveted rewards: a certified original, never-before-conceived-in-the-history-of-the-universe Epiphany. This revelation lets you glimpse the secrets of the cosmos, and it’s yours and yours alone.

With your new Epiphany, you’ll be able to sail past the limits of current scientific thinking and witness transcendent truths beyond normal human reckoning. You’ll possess insights known only to prophets and octopuses. Also, your suspicions about your neighbor are correct. She is a Druidic high priestess, and she is poisoning your daffodils to diminish your genius. Don’t worry, Jimothy. Her ploy shall not succeed.

We must warn you, Jimothy, that not everyone will appreciate your new abilities. The path will be hard. Like Cassandra and other mythological figures before you, you may be rejected. You may be spurned. Trust that your Epiphany will not lead you astray, as long as you keep paying your monthly subscription fees.

Jimothy, thanks again for using the Company for your spiritual awakening. We’ll see you in the Afterlife.