Introduction: In Defense of Worst Lists

Here we go again. I thought I’d get away with being able to go straight into the list, but of course discourse is rife for “How dare you do worst lists? Why are you being so mean?” And I’m going to be a bit meaner than I was last year in my defense of it. I will always be an advocate for negative writing, and in a year where sore winner celebrities like Taylor Swift LLC are being even more sore winner-y than ever, anybody that can’t handle a little criticism needs to grow up. And in a year that seems to become more and more hostile towards artistic ambition, I crafted a worst list based on movies that not only offended me with how much they fed into the cultural regurgitation, but how little they brought to the table while doing so. More than in previous years, I just get a great sense of fun watching somebody get offended on behalf of billionaires, diamond heiresses, and Mattel when someone dare say they make bad art. In a year where we reached peak nostalgia, somebody has got to be the naysayer! Now, let’s get on with it.

10. Scream VI - Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

Congrats to these two for being the first directors to make my worst list twice in a row. This one was less bad than the last one, thanks to them not trying nearly as hard. They must be glad the tailspin pre-production of the sequel they handed off to Christopher Landon (before he gave a flimsy statement on Twitter explaining he was leaving the project) distracting everyone from how bad this one is. I thought this franchise couldn’t do anything dumber than writing off Neve Campbell, but I'm joyfully eating crow. Fuck Spyglass and bring back horror directors with spines.

9. Totally Killer - dir. Nahnatchka Khan

Despite my making fun of him in the previous entry I generally like Christopher Landon as a writer, I thought he brought his best script this year with We Have A Ghost. However, I don’t like him enough that I want to see a bunch of people ripping off his schtick of remaking popular movies as slashers, in this case we have a Back to the Future riff about Generational Trauma. They almost stumble into something profound about our true crime content mill with the presence of a kooky podcaster character, but that’s a thread that most writers are too cowardly to chase. Stick to Happy Death Day 2U.

8. The Devil Conspiracy - dir. Nathan Frankowski

A great contender for a modern Best of the Worst type of movie, a film that tries to turn Jesus into edgy science fiction in a similar vein to Assassin 33 AD from a couple years ago, only this one has a much wilder plot. A biotech company wants to raise Satan from hell by cloning Jesus and having Lucifer possess the cloned infant almighty. The archangel Michael possesses a priest to intervene, making a movie with an admittedly interesting aesthetic for its depictions of angels and realms beyond take place (surprise surprise) mostly in plain rooms with people in plain clothes. Many, many laughs were had at the effort to compensate for the shoestring budget.

7. Fear - dir. Deon Taylor

I feel bad for ragging on this one since it was tightly produced during the pandemic, and the single location was a great choice. But it mostly suffers from too much ambiguity in terms of what’s actually going on. Even fun, grain soaked hallucination sequences couldn’t raise this above the level of awkwardly cheap digital horror we have too much of on Tubi these days.

6. Bama Rush - dir. Rachel Fleit

The most damning thing about this is that the director, much like her subjects, is unable to realize they can escape from the societal web they have found themselves trapped in. The ubiquity of Greek life is the biggest lie Greek life has ever pulled, and this documentary shows that the lie is working. It's people admonishing that college, Greek life and America at large is actively hostile to them, but deciding to persevere in a fruitless effort for self satisfaction. It is a documentary willing to claim that the system is broken, but gives a mere shrug when any idea of escaping the system comes up. A void of a documentary. Accusing the director of only wanting to make this movie to prostrate herself, her alopecia, and her history of rejection by this system might be seen as a superficial accusation, but the name of the game here is superficiality.

5. The Flash - dir. Andy Muschietti

If this is the year that superhero movies finally go out of style, we would all be better for it. This particular script has been run through so many people that by now there’s no individual voice in the words, the characters, the themes, it’s all producer speak. The multiverse stuff is already worn out, because of course these suits made the mistake of thinking people think the multiverse is cool by itself. The multiverse is a setting, not a story, you still need a story, guys.

4. M3GAN - dir. Gerard Johnstone

Hear me out, I don’t actually think this movie is all that bad. It’s goofy and weird but not goofy or weird enough to completely write off as a guilty pleasure. I frankly don’t know anyone that finds this funny or scary that is over 13. It’s just bizarre, but at least it’s notably bizarre. Let’s hope the sequel cranks up the kookiness.

3. The Super Mario Bros. Movie - dir. Aaron Horvath & Michael Jelenic

Bad, bad movie. I can’t believe I got into arguments with babies on Twitter about this.

2. Saltburn - dir. Emerald Fennell

Fennell is so soft in her portrayal of the upper class that she just makes a movie where an evil suburban faggot kills the nice but detached rich people for no real reason. It’s a middle finger to movies like The Talented Mr. Ripley and Parasite which respectively capitalize and prey on the want of an audience to see rich people get burned, one that wants to make you feel bad that such a nice rich boy was deceived by a devious commoner! I can’t tell if people were giving this too much credit for its potential for meeting the moment off the back of Promising Young Woman, I know based on the commentary I’d previously seen I didn’t give it enough credit for how intentionally it’s constructed to be straight up homophobic. A British Hillbilly Elegy, complete with hokey turns from Rosamund Pike and Carey Mulligan that nicely parallel Adams and Close in that movie.

Beautiful gowns!

1. The Exorcist: Believer - dir. David Gordon Green

The Exorcist and The Exorcist III are two of my favorite movies of all time, so when this requel trilogy was announced I was immediately skeptical. I’m lighter on DGG’s Halloween trilogy than some, but this is an unmitigated disaster. Pathetic, wishy-washy trash. Many critics of the original book or film may have issues with its commitment to faith as a driving force, or claim belabouredly that they don’t care about Damien Karras, but if that’s too much for some people then Believer’s attempt at multiculturalism is laughably rendered. The only thing worse than the writing is the directing, as Green creates some of his sloppiest sequences yet, that align more with the odd surrealism of Exorcist II than Friedkin or Blatty’s original work. Add on Leslie Odom Jr. giving a genre-worst performance and you have a disasterpiece that will stand out in one of the worst decades for the genre thus far.