Content warning: dysphoria, NSFW language, misgendering, D-slur, F-slur, discussion of white beauty standards and misogyny.

I have tits. Soft, round, squishable girl tits. I know this because I have photos of them, and they are unmistakably tits. Men have even jerked off on them and said let me cum on your tits. But in the mirror my chest is flat. In the mirror my waist has no curve. In the mirror my face is a man’s face. In the mirror my body is a man’s body. There are moments when the mirror shows me a girl, but those moments are fleeting and outside of those moments I don’t believe they happened. A thing reflected is not the same as the thing reflecting.

If I can’t trust the mirror, I need metrics. Metrics and ratios to decide how much of a girl I am. There is a criteria, a formula, that exists in the mind of most (especially cis) people. On sight, the formula takes inputs to output a verdict: girl, boy, or undetermined. The trick, then, is to divine which inputs I can provide that this formula will, for everyone and anyone forever and always, output Girl.

Jaw width. Brow depth. Cheek shape. Teeth size. Eye shape. Eye size. Hairline. Neck shape. Ear shape. Nose shape. Lip shape. Chin shape. Tit shape. Waist shape. Ass size. Ass shape. Rib shape, bone length. Bone weight. Pelvic depth and width in centimeters. Clavicle geometry. Skull volume. Lung volume. Muscle density. Muscle composition. Finger length. Hand size. Nail shape. Instep height. Forefoot width. Toe length. Heel circumference. Knee radius. Hair length. Hair style. Jewelry. Makeup. Clothing, women’s. Demeanor. Smile shape, body language. Gait. Stride length. The way you push an elevator or subway button. Voice resonance, timbre, pitch, quality, and volume. The way you use your hands. The way you chew. Vocabulary. Socks. Shoes. Hair product. Perfume. Body hair. Nail polish. Purse. Girl penis. Girl cunt. Girl name.

Each variable has a different weight in each person’s formula, so it’s important to find ideals and averages. The white girl numbers because what’s more ideal than a white girl. To find them, we need, of course, to separate whites from not whites because you don’t want a not white body because not white bodies are different from white bodies which is to say, worse.

The task then, who is white and who is not. That’s eugenics though and eugenics is a bad thing to do. So this is not eugenics. Everyone is not white except for the white people. And to find the white girl numbers we need to find the white girls.

Europe, of course, will have the purest whites. There are borders that separate white from not white. Within those borders the white genome and white girl features can be found, surely. It’s definitely in Norway because that’s where the Vikings are and Nazis, who know the most about who is white, say they’re the whitest.

If it’s in Norway, it’s in Finland and if it’s in Finland it’s in Estonia, if it’s in Estonia it’s in Latvia. If it’s in Latvia it’s in Belarus. If it’s in Belarus it’s in Russia. If it’s in Russia it’s in Uzbekistan. If it’s in Uzbekistan it’s in Kazakhstan. If it’s in Kazakhstan it’s in Afghanistan. And that can’t be right. Afghans are brown because America kills them, and America kills brown people most of all. Turkey then. Everyone knows Turkey isn’t white. It touches Bulgaria, Greece, and Armenia, and none of them are white. Whiteness can’t exist in a place where people are brown. Not white girl numbers are not girl numbers.

So we exclude. Turkey is out because it’s not European enough, which is to say not white enough. Same with the Stans, too Russian, and Russians are barely white anyway. Greece is Mediterranean so Greek women are fat, too fat to be white, they’ll throw off our numbers. Armenia is the Kardashians and they’re not white. Are they? Their dad was played by David Schwimmer and he’s white. So I guess Armenia gets to be white. Okay but Italy and Spain and Sicily are white, but they’re fat girl white so we’re going to exclude them.

We’re looking for skinny girl white because white girls, the good ones, are skinny. That can be Germany. France too. Portugal is white, but that’s just because it did too much colonialism not to be. Okay. Counting the obviously white countries, the UK, Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, we have our whites. No, wait, Greenland isn’t white. It’s something else. Iceland is also a little not white. Björk isn’t white is she? Iceland’s a maybe. They have skinny hot girls though so Iceland gets to be white too.

There. We have our whites. Objective, observable, scientifically chosen whites, and it’s not eugenics. Now we gather our sample of the characteristics of white women in these groups, their statistical size and shape compared against the statistical size and shape of the white man, we have our first set of data that can tell us how to be a Girl.

Cultural, geographic, and dietary differences could make our numbers too broad though. So let’s just pare it down to the classics. The UK, France, and Germany. Scandinavia is too confusing because there are those Sami people and are they white? Too hard to tell. Crossing them off.

We have our top-tier whites. So we have our sample, so we have our Man numbers and our Girl numbers — which are determined by their relationship to the Man numbers, what is a Girl but a thing weighed against men.

Now we can measure it by measuring white girl bones and white girl teeth and white girl meat and white girl fat and white girl hands and white girl blood and white girl bile and white girl spit and white girl cum and white girl tits and white girl asses and white girl cunts between white girl thighs.

Okay but I’m mixed. My skin is white and burns, but my mom is a brown Mexican and Indigenous, so is her mom, and her mom’s mom is a different kind of Indigenous Mexican. Growing up, Mormons said I didn’t look white because of the shape of my nose and eyes and jaw and ass, and they are also experts on who is and isn’t white. They are experts because their book says white people are good and not white people are evil, and that’s why they had to do all those massacres to Indigenous people who were not white.

But my (absent) dad is white, and my eyes are greenish and my hair is red but wavy curly like my mom’s and her mom’s mom’s. There are too many variables to account for if we start counting mixed people which is most people because even white people are some of the kinds of white that are not white. It’s best if we just say that the white girl numbers are the girl numbers because the not white girl numbers are different and worse.

Our white girl numbers, definitive, selected objectively, not eugenically, from observable qualities and quantifiable undeniable genetic proof, can tell you how to be a white girl, which is to say, the only kind of girl worth being, so the only kind of girl. If your numbers are not these, then you’re not white and you’re not a girl. You’re a Faggot and Transsexual, and Faggot Transsexuals are boys who want to be girls, and perverts. So if you don’t want to be seen as, which is the same as being, a not boy or not girl, you need to fit inside the white girl numbers.

We know it’s undesirable to not fit the white girl numbers because surgeons sell surgeries (to all girls) to fix the parts that are not white girl which is to say not white and not girl which is to say not worth being.

So to fix what I see in the mirror, I need to fit the white girl numbers or I’m not a girl. My waist is too wide, my ribs are too big, my shoulders are too broad, my triceps are too big, my clavicles are wrong shaped which is boy shaped. My waist is too big and my ass is way too big. And my thighs are too big and my forefoot is too wide and I think my hands are okay, I have girl hands. I have girl hair and a girl name. But I don’t have a girl cunt. But you can’t see a girl cunt in clothes so maybe it can’t weight the formula.

I have girl tits in a bra but not in a shirt so for the formula I don’t have girl tits. I don’t have girl height or girl weight, I’m too tall and fat and broad and have too much muscle to be a girl. I can’t fit the white girl numbers.

I can’t look like a girl if I don’t fit the white girl numbers. (And the white girl numbers are the real and only girl numbers.) But a lot of girls who are not Transsexuals also don’t fit the girl numbers. Most even. Even famous ones everyone knows are girls. Even transsexual girls that everyone agrees are girls. White ones and not white ones.

Scientists who can always tell, because you can always tell, can tell pure white girl bones from pure white man bones but they can do this because they also decided who is white and who is not white before they measured. They chose a sample that would represent their results and their results represented the sample.

Okay okay, what if we desegregate all the girl numbers. That means we need to desegregate the man numbers too because girl numbers can’t be man numbers. But if we do that then there’s too much overlap between the desegregated man numbers and the desegregated girl numbers, and the girl numbers and man numbers become everyone numbers.

With a desegregated sample, girl numbers stop working. Maybe nobody fits the girl numbers, because with a large enough sample, everyone does.

If girl numbers can’t decide, we need a new judge. Heterosexual men think I’m a girl. They’ve cum on my tits and in my girl holes. And men decide what girls are even more than numbers because heterosexual men decide everything especially the white ones, which is to say the only ones worth being. And heterosexual men don’t want to fuck men because Faggots do that and there is nothing worse for a heterosexual man than to be a Faggot. They want to fuck girls, they want to squeeze girl tits and girl ass and cum inside girl mouths and girl cunts and girl holes. If heterosexual men think I’m a girl and want to fuck me in all my girl holes, but I don’t fit the white girl numbers, then I must be tricking them. Because I’m a Faggot Transsexual and Faggot Transsexuals are perverts and liars.

I have a girl cock, dick, or penis, instead of a girl cunt, vagina, or pussy. And if heterosexual men like my girl penis then they’re Faggots and everyone knows Faggots are perverts too. But homosexual men like men who look like men and homosexual men don’t think I look like a man because they don’t want to fuck me because they think I look like a girl. I must be tricking them too by looking like a girl. Bisexual men don’t count because they’re not real.

Lesbian girls think I look like a girl too. Lesbian girls aren’t as important as heterosexual men, but lesbian girls are only attracted to girls because they’re Dykes. Lesbian girls want to finger girl holes and kiss girl mouths and bite girl nipples and lick girl cunts. If lesbian girls are Dykes and want to fuck me then it’s because I’m tricking them too because I still don’t fit the white girl numbers. (Remember, Faggot Transsexuals are liars and perverts.) If lesbian girls like my girl cock then they’re heterosexual girls and heterosexual girls want to fuck men but heterosexual girls think I’m a girl too and don’t want to fuck my girl holes. Bisexual girls don’t count because they’re not real either.

Okay, if it’s not girl numbers, because those become everyone numbers unless they’re white supremacy numbers, and it’s not people thinking I have girl holes to fuck, because that makes me an object which is not a girl (even though a girl can be a kind of object),

then I don’t know how to tell what a girl is.

Maybe that’s part of being a girl. Maybe part of being a girl is not always seeing one in the mirror because you don’t fit the girl numbers, which are not real. Maybe being a girl is having your femininity questioned most of all by yourself. Maybe I am a girl because I see one in the mirror sometimes and I feel like one most times. Maybe by being a girl I can trick the mirror. And if I am a girl, then maybe I’m not tricking anyone.

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• Roth, M., S. D. Ousley, and P. Tuamsuk (2013). Sex Estimation Using Non-Metric Traits in Thai Crania With the Walker (2008) Method. American Academy of Forensic Sciences.

• Tallman, S. D. (2019). Cranial Nonmetric Sexual Dimorphism and Sex Estimation in East and Southeast Asian Individuals. Forensic Anthropology.

• VanSickle, C. (2025). An Anthropologist’s Perspective on Sex and Gender in the Skeleton. ProSocial World.

• American Medical Association (2023). AMA: Use of BMI Alone Is an Imperfect Clinical Measure.

• Keys, A., et al. (1972). Indices of Relative Weight and Obesity. Journal of Chronic Diseases.