October Newsletter: I tried having a Sugar Daddy so you don’t have to.
I tried having a Sugar Daddy so you don’t have to.
As many of the girlies who are prolific on their public profile instagram know, every month or so you get a DM slide—a request from a stranger, usually a white old American man—asking if said girlie would be interested in having a Sugar Daddy.
The message vibes, No nudes or sexual activity, just friendship with a man named Michael White, Christopher Adams or Allan Jones*. And in return for your sugar baby friendship, an exuberant weekly allowance.
Most days I’m busy, blessed, booked and block Daddy Jones and move on with my life. But on this particular September day I was feeling curious. I was feeling reckless. I was feeling poor.
Frank Smith from Ohio had offered me $5000 as a weekly allowance. And I thought to myself, no sexual activity, no nudes, he just wants to look after his Sugar Baby, he just wants someone to talk to! Maybe this could actually be the perfect job for me… I could be sensational at this! I am very good at being someone to talk to! I love talking and listening and being vulnerable, and I would LOVE to earn a cheeky quarter a mil a year. Finally! I could use my excellent communication skills to my advantage! Skills of which currently aren’t being monetarily valued in government schools or improvisation performance spaces. Also... old men love me.
My last apartment's strata manager, Peter Strata, was a mozzie to my light. During Covid I had the privilege of being shown around my apartment building rooftop to enjoy the leasers and owners forbidden view. Hidden behind a locked door that only Peter Strata had the clunky key to.
He also unfairly allowed me to park in the visitors parking without getting an angry letter on my car, while my housemates suffered the half-a-page-full-caps-ramble if they tried to park there for over 45 minutes. All I had to do was give him 20-30 minutes of my time every time I saw him in the lift. WAS ANYONE ELSE LISTENING TO THE POOR WIDOWED EUROPEAN MAN'S WOES?
Old man referees on a Monday night mixed touch game watch me do one cartwheel after someone else in my team scores a try, then like clockwork, they make a predictable unoriginal “joke”.
“None of that here! This is serious,”
with a wink and a dance move disguised as a touch call.
I giggle and say “Give it a go!”, throw him a shoulder, ruff up his hair, blow a raspberry on his belly with a quick smooch on his mustache. All of a sudden the offside rule doesn’t apply to me anymore.
Would you call these examples special treatment? Yes. Does it make the rule abiders go crazy? Yes. But you gotta do what ya gotta do. And you gotta make an old man feel special sometimes and maybe one day Frank Smith will slide on in offering you $5000 a week, and all the old men flirty-flirts PAY off.
Whilst sussing Frankie-boy by asking questions and being cute in the DMs and "love-hearting" every message he sent,
I consulted my friends and Improv Comedy audiences if this is a path I should continue to skip on down like Red Riding Hood in her fable? Or will my fate be similar to the fairytale? My fantastical gal-pals who—like me—live a life of romance, inside their head, screamed, “Yes! This is how we can make our money! All our debts will be paid off! Find me his friends and we can be millionaires together!” By contrast my boyfriend stated,
“This is definitely a scam.”
“SCAM-SHMAM! This is the answer to making money while having a creative life! I’m doing this for OUR future.” I explained. “DON’T you want to live in Sydney?! DON’T you want to have a backyard, maybe, one day? Don’t you want to continue to eat-out every weekend and see shows but actually have savings?! I am doing this FOR US!! I’m an opportunist! I take opportunities! And golly gosh I’m going to be so good at this job. Just an untrained counselor for a lonely man!”
“You would be good at that job,” he said. “If it existed. Do what you want, as long as you’re safe, but I will go on the record saying, this is definitely a scam.”
So I chatted to Daddy Frank Smith then gave him my paypal and my whatsapp. He then asked for my home address, bank details, my superfund details, my medicare details, my passwords, my birth certificate and some money to show him loyalty.
So I sent them off!
Keen as for that $5000 weekly allowance to come through this week.
October Updates:
* In my early 20s I actually knew a guy who was Allan Jones' Sugar baby. And that's the actual truth. GOSSIP!!!!
I complained on Insta about how I'm over caring for houseplants. But I hate to say it.. I've turned a green leaf and I'm BACK. Look what happens if you water your plans every so often!!!
My friends Alex, Jayce and Georgie put on their own Improv Comedy Open Jam Night and it was such a success. They had the event in their backyard but was the most amazing set up! Stage lights! Couches and pillows arranged as a raked audience! Beer sponsors! What intuitive. Obsessed. It was a free event, next one is on November 26th in Stanmore. Come to watch or come to play. I'll be sharing on stories closer to the date cos, dang, how cool.
Watch the Beckham Doc.
Watch me sing and act
This is the one to watch!!!
MUSIK THEATER Friday 17th November
This is a showcase of songs and scripts written by The Cement Buoys (Their instagram is very new, they are not) Jack, Tim and Garreth are the creators of Schapelle Schapelle The Musical and they are also my boyfriend and friends, soooo yeah maybe it is a bit nepo that I was cast but also maybe when I auditioned for them years ago they thought "now that's talent I wanna keep close by" and all my relationships are just rouse to use me!!
Come along! All the songs are original, campy glorious musical comedy gold. I'm actually obsessed with the music. This showcase is to give some hype around the New Australian Work coming out next year. Murder Horse. The show is as fab as the title. Come support New Aussie Theatre:
Buy tickets here. One night only.
Watch me do IMPROV
Gosh I have been DOING some improv lately and FREAKING loving iiiiiit. More shows here, and more will pop up - I always advertise on stories. (are you sick of it? But what choice do we HAVE?!) Would love to see some newbies to Improv shows in the crowd!
17th November - MUSIK THEATER (hehe not improv but the show you gotta see). The 16th-18th Nov weekend is also ITS Comedy festival which you should get around, so many shows and workshops. However no performance from me. Have this major showcase and my bestest friends are getting married!! Weee!
(Hopefully next newsletter is out before that December one but no promises, it is SOCIAL SEASON)
Ending this newsletter with quote I like:
Why should we use our creative power? Because there is nothing that make people so generous, joyful, lively, bold and compassionate, so indifferent to fighting and the accumulation of objects and money.
-Brenda Ueland
Love yas.
MWAH,
Jacqui.