January - The Art of Asking
I asked if I could keep the jeans I wore on set.
This morning, when I told 2 of my girlfriends I did this, they peered across the cafe table in a strange sub-genre of combined awe and jealousy.
“I could never do that!” one said. Clarifying with, “I love that you did, but I could never.”
I started to explain that I knew that after a big corporate commercial shoot—like the one I had just done—costumes could just be placed in a storage unit, or worse, landfill, never to be seen again, and that I’m actually doing something good for humanity.
But I don’t really know that. I didn't know if they were going to do that on this particular set. I just knew that I loved these floppy, cargo-pocket-ed, 2000’s-style, well-fitting blue Levis, and that I’m not afraid of asking.
In fact, I know the power of asking.
THE POWER OF ASKING:
I learnt the power of asking in uni days when Ted Talks were my favourite clean-my-room soundtrack, and I was injecting anything self-help into my veins.
The Power of Asking, put simply is ask for what you want and you may just get it.
What’s the harm? The worst that can happen is a ‘no’.
People like to be asked, they like to feel responsible for helping someone. (I see this in the classroom all the time—kids begging for “jobs”).
If people know what you want, they can help you get what you want and aren’t expected to read your mind.
I heard a teenage boy comforting his girlfriend way back in 2023. “If I were you, I’d read through the assessment criteria to see where I can gain marks and bring it up with them.” I was sitting behind them on a North Shore- bound train. Through quiet tears I heard the girl reply, “I feel like they’ve already spent an hour marking, I don’t want to bother.”
Note the very different attitudes in this couple. For some reason this considerate boy knew it was okay/in his right to ask, but the sweet girlie didn’t want to ‘bother’, even though she felt jipped and like she had worked hard for a better mark. Why is that? Why is it easier for some to ‘put their neck out’ and not for others? Is it a resilience thing? Being indifferent if you get a no. Or is it a gender thing, are girls taught to not question certain things—especially authority? Maybe some people find it very hard to “rock the boat”. Even though in my opinion, asking a question is not rocking the boat… it is using an ore to paddle.
Is it hard for you to ask for what you want? Or to ask for a favour?
I think it can be hard for certain people because they don’t want to put someone out or be a burden. They don’t want to seem or come across a certain way (rude, entitled, demanding). But asking for what you want is opening up your world, and it becomes easier with each request. No one has to read your mind anymore.
People love being asked for help! Think about the last time someone asked you for help? Did you feel bummed or was it a joy to be thought of, and a privilege to bestow your expertise on to a friend.
How to ask:
Know there’s no harm done either way. They’re allowed to say no, be fine with that.
Ask in a way that has humour/kindness/curiosity. In my commercial/free jeans example, I had already made a fuss about how much I loved these jeans and when the day was done I asked the costume lady, “Brenda, what happens to these jeans now?” with a twinkle in my eye, subtext dancing on my lips.
She replied, “Do you want them?” sending the subtext-ball hurling back at me with the matching cheeky eye-twinkle. “Let me go ask!”
Be grateful (I jumped for genuine joy and said “This is the best day ever”, Brenda felt like she had made someone's day, and honestly she had!)
Be willing to give favours to others.
I don’t know when my newsletter became flimsy self-help, but here we are! Pressing send on Mark Manson styles-esq paragraphs, while wearing the cutests (cheapest) Levi jeans I’ve ever owned!...
…This is what I would have written in my newsletter if
I hadn’t have re-watched the video I believed the POWER OF ASKING wisdom came from:
“The Art of Asking.”
- Musician, Amanda Palmer's Ted Talk.
Note, the word Art instead of Power. Interesting.
I don’t know when I started saying “power” over “art” but since re-watching this clip, I am diverting back to using the word “art”. And will have to pass on to my family who have been chanting “the power of asking!!” since I brought the saying to the dinner table in 2013.
Occasionally my dad, in a game of Catan, will demand three ore resources as a trade for his one sheep card (totally unfair) and whispers to me “the power of asking” paired with a wink. Which is NOT how Amada explains it, nor how the art of asking works. But somehow “power” has snuck into my lexicon and like a plain communion cracker to the top of my mouth, it’s stuck.
BUT I’M PEELING IT OFF!
What Amanda talks about is actually quite different to what has merged to be my view. It’s much more considerate and utilitarian and less expectant. She says the art is an exchange of trust, it’s vulnerability, it’s connecting.
“Give and receive fearlessly”
“ask, without shame”
And that’s definitely all things I love to do but maybe I have been slipping into entitlement lately. Maybe you need to consider asking more, but maybe I need to consider asking less! Or at least making sure it feels like a fair exchange and not a Dad-in-Catan-rip-off.
LIFE UPDATES:
October: Hens, weddings, baby showers, improv, loved it.
November: had the biggest weekend of my life! Performed in a show Jack and his friends wrote, the next day officiated my best friend's wedding and my other bestie walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid with us all, then went into labour for her first child that evening. Big big events. Herculean joy.
December: Silly season. I've been floating around like a balloon, chilling, eating, packing and unpacking bags.
Filmed an ad, you’ll see my integral head-nod in the next coming months. I got paid a teachers monthly wage in a day and I’ll never get over the bonker-doh-derity of where the money is and where the money goes.
Used the art of asking to do a cheap holiday… I knew my cousin was away the first week of Jan so asked if we could use his walk-to-the-beach-Newcastle-apartment as though it was an airbnb for a few days. It was delightful and relaxing and he even left a recommendations list and rolled up towels on the bed. Hospitable cutie!
Had a sleepover!!! A friendship sleepover!! My friend, Alex, came to my house. I cooked her an average dinner with sloppy-de-loppy potatoes I wasn’t proud of, we played Tomb of Doom, watched The Proposal, and stayed up HOURS talking, to the point my mum had to knock on the door for the 5th time and say, “girls that’s enough you have to go sleep now!”
Just looked at the tag on my free jeans and they’re not actually Levis. They’re from Cotton On.
LISTENING:
Had this Summer Playlist on repeat.
Off podcasts atm. Not sure where to turn. Everyone is annoying.
READING:
‘None of This is True’ by Lisa Jewel. Enjoyed this thriller! The kind of book I appreciate because I just keep reading and I’m shocked with what happens... but didn’t actually like what happened?
5 chapters to go in Dolly Alderton's ‘Good Material’. I famously LOVE Dolly. Her writing is delectable and relatable. However, the main character in her new release is so whiny, that it’s hard to be on his side/care/it’s like GET OVER YOURSELF ANDY ya know? And maybe my expectations were too high because her debut novel “Everything I Know About Love”, is simply the best.
SEEING:
I was given tickets to a Hayes show by my beloved for March, which I am SO excited for. The Hayes has such a great lineup of New Aus work this year—best I’ve seen from them. Cannot wait to see Laura Murphy’s ZOMBIE! The musical.
I am about to buy tickets to “The Hello Girls” after watching talented mates harmonise in this reel. Looks bloody good, let’s get around it.
WATCH ME:
Performing Improv Comedy at the Chippo on 30th January with Scared Scriptless. Back to School Edition!
What are you up to?
Love yas!!
Love, Jacqui
MWAH