Feburary Newsletter: Stop, Sack & Roll
Today I saw an unexpected ballsack.
I saw it, I looked away and then I looked back. Why did I look back?
It was still there when I looked back. And I was still horrified.
After the second look, I snapped my attention back to the path ahead of me. But because I was walking on a mezzanine-like concrete structure, and the ballsack was a mere 10 metres away attached to a 55 year old male actor in a hospital-patient-gown, sitting on the bench, in a man spread, waiting patiently to walk into a scene of Collin from Accounts; something I imagine -to do with spacial awareness, lit up in my brain. I thought,
I bet I can no longer see it from this angle.
From this new angle, 10 paces ahead, surely now, the hospital gown would act like a shower curtain and conceal the genitalia. So, I looked again.
But no, there it was. Nestled between a fleshy inner thigh, a pink little mouse in a navy Bonds skivvy, demanding me to look him in the eye.
I looked back 4 times.
It was always there.
I stayed with Jack at his family farm for a week. And at the farm there are lots of exciting things to see, especially for wee lil suburbian girlie like me. Things such as sheep, cows, chooks, horses, quad bikes, tractors, endless space to sing “Dumb Dog” from ‘Annie’ at full belt fourteen times on repeat and have no one tell you to shut up, and…. Salad rolls. Ahhhh the SALAD rolls, my favourite.
so here's a pic of a turtle we found in the yards and returned to the dam.
I help with the farm work. I help with the pushing up of the cows and mustering the sheep into the yards, the slashing, the moving of gravel and mainly, the big important job of the opening and closing of gates. I have come to learn a heap of farm jargon, words that when I first heard them would float around my head never quite landing or seeping in.
The first time I visited I noticed a change in Jack. As soon as our car bounced over the grate his articulate, theatrical, booming voice, dancing hands, and expressive squints disappeared. And in their place came tough working hands, relaxed face (think the “so you think you’re pretty, relax your face, no really relax your face”- face) and mumbled farmyard chat.
“Yeah, hey just over in boghill there’s yeah, Lil Steppy, not sure she’ll make it through Laraslee to yards for markin, yeah I’ll swing past in the sidebyside.”
Translation:
“There’s a sheep walking funny in the paddock, we’re gonna have to leave him to chill out there as we bring the rest of the flock into a smaller more manageable paddock to vaccinate them. Once I’ve done the others I’ll go check on her in a vehicle that can only be described as an off-road-golf-buggy.”
Wait, what about the Salad Rolls?!
Ah yes, after working hard on the land and checking on lil Steppy, I go inside with a farmers sigh, remove my boots at the door and sit down to have my lunch.
And my god, it’s wow. Its like, wow…
I get out the fuchsia beetroot, the bitter pre-sliced cheese, the thinly cut, crimson heirloom tomato, the crisp lettuce, the juicy pineapple, the gooey mayonnaise, the homemade tomato relish, the bakers delight fluffy soft rolls, and I go ahead and create my very own Van Goh.
The heavenly SALAD roll.
When I have explained to friends, that my love for the farm, starts with the salad rolls, people have said to me, in a condescending tone,
“Can’t you just make a salad roll at home Jacqui?”
Losers have pointed out,
“Salad rolls have nothing to do with farms.”
Idiots have inquired,
“When you see a middle-aged ballsack in the wild, can’t you just NOT look back.”
People have pointed their fingers, family have sniggered, friends have shut me down. I have been laughed at! Ridiculed! Wedgied! Spat on! And I’ve even been egged at the corner of Pacific Highway and Hyacinth Street after the Asquith Boys Disco!
But now, though it all, I stand tall, with wet sticky hair, unpicking the wedgie out of my sweaty butt-crevice and to the haters I say...
No!! I cannot just MAKE a salad roll at home! No! I CANNOT just simply have THAT many ingredients on hand, at the ready when I live by myself and don’t want to waste food. I can’t just have ALL THOSE ingredients fresh and ready to go. I can’t just place that juicy beetroot on a roll, BeesWax Wrap it and take it to a teachers staffroom and have it be the mouth-watering hero that a salad roll is at the farm. IT WOULD BE SOGGY. IT WOULD BE SAD.
I can’t just pack all the ingredients in separate little containers then assemble it in the work kitchen. IT WOULD TASTE LIKE STALE AIR AND PLASTIC TUPPERWARE. And don’t even try to tell me it wouldn’t.
And it’s not even the salad roll as an end product itself that makes it so good. It’s the experience, it’s the context, it’s the emotional attachment. It's waking up early, doing physical outside work, it’s coming in from the elements. It’s having the ingredients being fresh because there’s enough people in the house to warrant buying so many. It’s the pack of fresh fluffy rolls to fill every day.
It’s… The farm salad roll, and it’s my favourite.
And now you’re hungry.
LISTENING:
I like this armchair expert pod episode Neil Theise (on Complexity Theory). Really cool discussion and explanation of the chaotic nature of everything but the when you zoom out it's all in perfect order. He explains this in a way I can never.
WATCHING:
Saw Hello Girls at The Hayes, it just finished its run. 5 stars! The storyline and vocals were both extraordinary.
BIG HOUSE Improv! New teams, fun times!
If you happen to be in Bathurst next week. Go see Fast Cars. It's a new Aussie comedy musical about the Bathurst 1000. There's nothing like it! Jack is in it and when I saw it on its debut last year and I had sore abs and cheeks after... from all tummy crunches and fist eating they make you do. Hilar & simply silly!
WATCH ME:
Do Improv Comedy at the Chippo on 13th February with Scared Scriptless. LOVE CRUISE EDITION
Big House Every Friday Night!! My team Drywall is playing next on 23rd Feb (however I won't be there this one, celebrating loooove instead)
The next one I'm in is March 8th, and it's 3 days before my birthday, so come watch us then celebrate my birth at the pub after. This is your official invite.
What are you putting on your salad roll?
Love yas!!
Love, Jacqui
MWAH