August newsletter: I don’t want to work hard but I do want fame (today)
I don’t want to work hard but I do want fame (today)
I love dressing cute then going to a cafe and writing in my diary. I feel like I’m living in a movie. I imagine that from the outside I look like a girl who has big plans. I feel mysterious like I have incredibly hushed secrets and hidden talents, like I’m not the most open, oversharing person you know. It’s a fun little alter ego—coffee shop diary writing girlie. I can only imagine what every passerby thinks of me—“Wow what’s that young woman writing about? Is it a fantasy novel? Is it a screenplay? How analogue! Pen and Paper! She must be writing something very important, eloquent and inventive."
What should I do today? Maybe I’ll buy a cinnamon scroll, cos yum. I could eat half and save some for later cos I’ll feel sick if I eat the whole thing. Who am I kidding, I’ll eat the whole thing. They’re too yummy to stop. Maybe I shouldn’t buy one then. Instead, I will go for a run around centennial to get my day going. Although I always feel sick if I exercise without having eaten first, and I don’t have any food at home atm, so I will have to buy something here. I’m thinking I will get a cinnamon scroll. I just ordered a cinnamon scroll.
- A real excerpt from my diary. (But corrected spelling)
I can’t wait to do this in Florence next year—dress cute and write in my diary and a cafe. I fantasize about a tasty Italian man coming up to me and saying, “Cioa, bella, is this seat taken?” and then I reply, “No non lo è.”
He’ll sit down and ask about what I’m writing, I’ll tell him it’s my memoir because I am in fact famous in my hometown, Hornsby, Sydney Australia. He’ll flick his silky locks and be impressed and then ask me to come for a ride on his scooter through the city and to then sing in the Colosseum as his duet partner (!!!!)
It is at this point that I’ll reveal I have a gorgeous, stunning, handsome fidanzato (italian word for boyfriend people!) that I would never do anything jeopardizo. But yes please, I’ll accept the singing gig.
Now to the newsletter…
I don’t want to live a hard life. This is very privileged to say and I realise the luck I have to be able to assess what I want to do with this one life, rather than just surviving. But alas, like all humans—I wish to seek pleasure and avoid suffering.
(I don't know how to make these pictures smaller and more aesthetic, I either have to find a new newsletter provider or learn how to code, halp!).
I can’t really imagine anyone WANTING to live a “hard” life. But maybe I mean an ambitious life. Maybe what I’m talking about is the “struggle” that comes when you are striving for something more all the dang time. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Possibly because it’s midyear and a capricorn full moon, I haven’t achieved a single goal I set at the beginning of the year. And I just don’t really care.
Full disclosure. These are some of the goals I set in January:
Write a fortnightly newsletter (this is the second one I’ve ever done and it’s 8 weeks late for being a “monthly” one)
Have my own podcast (I recorded an ep with a friend and we got lazy and aren't sure of the idea anymore and we haven't actually explicitly talked about it but have just let it fall away - you know who you are. Should we try again?)
Have a guest spot on a radio show (ambitious much?!! for a girlie who decided she would do radio THIS yr)
Present for a kids program on the ABC (still v keen for this, any leads appreciated)
And to get those things you gotta WORK for it. Hard. You gotta work hard. And I’m just not sure if I have it in me. Is it aging? Is it just being content with my life how it is? Have I lost my ambitions?
I’m in such a content place in my life with who I am, my relationships, how I spend my time, financially etc. I am just CHILLIN, I’m coasting. And I feel like if I were to make career steps I gotta hussle hussle hussle. But like, CBF ya know?
The problem with not wanting to work hard is that simultaneously I ache to be famous.
The ache has worn off a little, it’s just a foggy thought most days. But then once a financial year, the ache comes into bat, SWINGING. I’ve always wanted fame and up until now I couldn’t fully admit it. Because how self-indulgent and fame-whorey of me! But my brain would be like, what's the point of living if you don't have the whole world admiring you? As a child, I figuratively couldn’t imagine a life in which I wasn’t KNOWN.
All the celebs say they never wanted fame, they just wanted to do the work. Not me! I don’t want the work! I just want all the fame! I want to be naturally talented, not work on it and be recognised for that. IS that too much to ask?!
In a conversation with surrogate housemates, I debated and dissected why I still (a little bit) want fame. I reasoned that I know it would be easy(ier) to go from creative project to creative project and make money from it, and that money would help create a GOOD life for myself. And that’s a worthy thing to express to people. But honestly (not-even-that) deep down I just want fame. Like how someone wants to make money. Or how you want someone to love you. Maybe I want MANY people to love me. Maybe I would live for the attention. Maybe it’s because I was born a self-indulgent ham!
I don’t want to work hard to get famous though.
And I’ve come to the conclusion (this week, I’ll probs change my mind next). That I’m going to let go of the “fame” dream. And that I’m going to be okay with not taking massive career steps every month. I’ve decided that I just want to live a good life.
And for me, a good life is
Trying new things.
Living with variety.
Living with access to, and indulging in, love and friends and family.
Going out when I want to and staying home when I want to.
Having autonomy in my work.
Jumping from creative project to project (and getting paid for creative projects—always working on this one!)
So my ambition has taken a back seat for the start of this year! And I’ve decided that I’m okay with that (after first berating myself for being lazy of course). I’m coasting. I’m not striving. I don’t feel like doing the struggle. I don’t feel like putting in the “hard” work and the suffering that comes with being on the grind to ”make it” in my field (lol, which field is it today?).
The belly rumble and hunger for more will come again I’m sure. In fact as I write this, I can feel the ambition creeping back up, the rumbles in the gut, the fluttering of the heart, the holding of the breath. My chest squeezing: the epicenter of dreams in the making!
So I’m not too sure what I want to say about this all…. But maybe the lesson is to honor where you're at? And all the things that go together? Ebbs and flows baby! Struggle and cruise baby! Stunts and Tom Cruise baby!
And I KNOW in my soul, I know it… that what you focus on you create more of, and in order to achieve what you’re aiming for you better FOCUS on the prize. So at times I’m frustrated that I never focused on one thing. But if you focus on LOTs of things I think that what you may get… Is a good life. A full life.
“Oscar Wild said if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it… that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. There is truth to that. We are not nouns, we are verbs. I am not a thing… an actor, a writer… I am a person who does things… I write, I act… and I never know what I am going to do next. I think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun”
Stephen Fry
This quote helps when I feel like I’m getting nowhere quick, like NOW per say.
What is a good life to you? Maybe that’s what we need to ask when working out our goals. Cos sometimes I’m just silly ambitious. But today I’m like MEH, I’m content. And that’s quite nice to recognise. To recognise you don’t want something anymore. AND MAYBE I`LL CHANGE MY MIND AND WANT IT AGAIN IN NO TIME. AND IN FACT I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE I WILL. BECAUSE I AM NOW SENDING THIS NEWSLETTER I DRAFTED 2 WEEKS AGO BUT NOW AM FEELING THE NIGGLE OF AMBITIOUSNESS TICKLING THE BASE OF MY STOMACH BEING LIKE HEY HEY GIRL HEY!
Or it could just be a craving for a cinnamon scroll...?
So ignore everything I have said. Get out there!! Struggle!! And make me famous!
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JUNE/JULY UPDATES
I did a job where I modeled with a car for the website pictures. I was playing “cricket mum” of a 12 yr old boy, which was a hit to the ego of someone who thinks they can pass as a Gen Z in an improv class. But alas, I got paid more in 4 hours than I do in 3 days of Primary teaching..
Seen Barbie twice. It’s good! But I don’t need to tell you that.
Played mixed basketball and my netball upbringing HATES everyone getting ALL UP IN MY FACE while I’m trying to shoot a GOD DAMN ball.
Feel good song of the month(s)
This is it - Trousdale
Dance the Night - Dua Lipa (obvs)
Reading:
Period Queen by Lucy Peach
- I Recommend it to every woman I know. Did you know Tribes used to bleed with the moon and then women would go on a sex strike and say to the men GO AND GET US SOME PROTEIN and they would. Then they would party and make babies. More on this in future newsletters I’m sure.
SEEING:
Les Mis Packemin - But its sold out SORRY U CANT GO IT WAS GOOD
Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet 1812 @ Darlinghurst - Performers are simply amazing. It is ridiculous how talented people can be.
Very cool set and overall vibe but no idea what the plot lines were. I was given some great advice in intermission “let the plot lines wash over you and enjoy the singing.”
I saw this by myself because my fave self helpy book of all time Artist Way (IYKYK) speaks of the power of going on 'artist dates' aka creative solo dates, so I try to remember to do this every now and then am always rewarded by the universe when I do. I sat next to TikTok famous creator extraordinaire girlie Sam Andrews who had decided to see it solo also, and we giggled at the same bits and oooo & ahhhhed at the voices and had nice chats in the interval. Which just inspired me to get out there and do things by myself more!!
Matildas in the World Cup - Yeah the Girls! Very very in awe of our Australian superstars and loving the hype and everyone getting around womans sport.
Improv (Always!)
ITS does shows EVERY FRIDAY and you just gotta go!! They’re cheap and easy fun. Low commitment as they run for 1 hour so can go to dinner after etc.
SEE ANYTHING that's on but if you want to
See me
Next and Final show with my team DRYWALL before we lose one of our funny girlies and possibly gain some more is:
11th August 7pm -8pm. Big House.
Listen to me
On the Radio every Tuesday
Poems from the Archives
Love yas!!
Love, Jacqui
MWAH