December 4, 2024

I just need some space 🙆🏾‍♀️

hi everybody!

space… space…

hi guys :) here’s an email

I’m doing fine, I’m getting over my horrendous cold that haunted me for an entire month which was so crazy and I am so glad it’s over now. I had last week off from work because of Thanksgiving break which I am very grateful for because it’s the only reason I was able to get over that cold. I’m 22 now which makes feasibly no difference in my life but it is something that is happening.

what’s new for 22?

nooooo clueeeee. I know people set goals for every year they’re alive and what they’ll change or improve in the coming year but I have, like, nothing to say. I don’t particularly have goals, I just have a to-do list to get on top of. but in my mind’s eye 👁️ there are some things I would like to be doing or at least add to my self-concept as things that I do.

one of which is journaling. which is so. hard.

I have nothing in my mind to write about. maybe my memory is bad and that’s the issue but I just don’t think that’s the problem at hand.

I just don’t care. like I literally have nothing to say about anything at the end of the day, I don’t know how people find things to write down every day about their lives. I’ve only gotten into the habit of writing down my thoughts when I have a lot of inner turmoil to work through but I’m literally fine recently.

but it’s also a matter of ascribing meaning to things. and allowing things to be significant and matter to me.

when I was online, it was like I had a content creation monkey on my shoulder telling me what would be funny to tweet or what is worth taking a picture of to post on my story. now that I’m not, I don’t even have that little bit to keep me aware of my surroundings or see things as valuable enough to remember.

is there some book I can read to do that??? there is and I know there has to be at least a hundred that deal with this exact issue but there’s my next problem.

I do not read.

sorry to literally everybody in the world and to my younger self who believed I would always be a reader BUT I DO NOT READ.

and I would love more than anything else in the world to be a reader but I’m just not. I don’t read. I don’t make time for it. I have no inclination to do it. I have tons and tons of books and they go completely untouched as they sit on my bookshelves and collect dust. it’s a nightmare.

and there’s ways to deal with this of course, like figuring out what subjects I might be interested in or stories that would be interesting to me but I just don’t care. from my first day of high school to now I have read maybe 15 books. and that is now 8 years ago.

before that? countless numbers of books. I would steal books from my school libraries to read through. I stole books from my teachers. they’re still sitting in my garage because I never gave them back. I was at the hair salon and a lady walked in and said “I’m surprised you’re not reading!” this lady hadn’t seen me since I was a kid. and yet she remembers me having my head in a book whenever she did see me. I would go through three books a week. my librarian wouldn’t let me check out any more books. it was that serious.

and here I am paying for kindle unlimited and haven’t touched my kindle in months.

so obviously there’s some issues at hand. but let’s move on to something I would like to be doing and have actually been doing.

art!

I’ve been painting which has been super rewarding and very fun for me. I had to start because I’m teaching my kids at work how to use watercolors so I, logically, should also know how to use watercolors. it’s, like, super simple!

but I think the difficulty that will come with teaching how to paint will be a matter of teaching kids to see things as they are. I can take my kids outside and tell them to draw a picture of the tree in the field and they’ll draw A Tree. like the cartoon concept of a tree. not an actual tree.

but kids’ brains work differently and they just don’t comprehend things the way an adult does. like, I don’t think it’s really something I could teach them, it’s a matter of their cognitive development. but they do well with step by step tutorials so I’ll find a youtube video or something about how to paint an apple and they’ll be happy lol.

but personally it has been super fun just painting to paint and making colors n stuff. I want to start using oil pastels next.

but yeahhhh that’s the deets for today. also I just got my spotify wrapped so here’s that

I hope you're having a good day. take care of yourself, bye-bye! <3