everything is everything
hi everybody!
as I write this to you I am listening to my favorite phoenix song ever on my favorite phoenix album ever, which I also own on vinyl. it is delightful.
I’m here today to tell you something. or nothing, maybe. I’m still writing this. but the news is: I’m young but getting many messages that I am getting old.
the catalyst: my kids’ LiteracyPro book reading aloud “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was a TV Show that played on Disney Channel. Many kids would watch it in the mornings.”
was? would? am I literally being cremated without my knowledge? am I ash in this classroom right now? it’s the end of the world. it’s the end of the world.
and that has been shaking me for days. I’m literally rattling around. I could not believe it. is this !#%$ing play about us? I don’t fret about aging at all and I’m am more than glad to be leaving my childhood behind me, but that was a shock to my system. this is way too many words about this one little thing but guys. I should not be getting written about in the past tense! horrifying experience.
anyway…
I’m trying to understand the internet’s relationship with religion. it is very much not a popular subject in leftist spaces and is often looked down upon as the gobbledygook of the uneducated. I wouldn’t even say that I’m trying to understand it, I do understand it. I just think it’s whack.
the thing is, everyone has to believe in something, even atheists. maybe someone doesn’t believe in God, but they believe in politics. they put their faith in community leaders or politicians or philosophy or communism or literature from a group of people they respect. it can be anything, but having belief in something is essential to living in this world, I think. maybe it’s the universe or astrology or the Democratic Party, who knows other than you?
but all of this goes to say: I am engaging with my faith again and participating in my religion. I am disclosing this to you because it is important to me, but also because that may change things around here lol. in what ways, who knows!!!! but there is the fair warning. if you don’t vibe with that then you can unsubscribe, no hard feelings. but now we are all on the same page 💆🏾♀️
so don’t say danggggggggg when you see me writing about a scripture or something. you’re here for my thoughts I think, and those are now featured in the thoughts. much love 💗
updates
no I have not started the gratitude journal❤️ oopsies. I will but like, I’m not holding myself to definite things like that. you litttttterally have to take each day as it comes. who knows what’s waiting at your doorstep?
Maya from Upstairs Neighbors (oh brother, this again) spoke in her solo episode about correcting her self talk. I’ve done the same before and it really, really does so much for you. if you’re someone that uses self deprecative language often, please look further into this. it’s a continual thing, but I’d say I’ve basically mastered it in regard to how I think and speak about myself. but it’s still difficult at times, especially if you deal with any mental illnesses.
when I was in intensive outpatient therapy in 2022, my therapist was constantly on my case about my passive suicidal ideation. for good reason obvi. but what this looked like for me was normalizing the thought and phrase “I’m gonna kill myself.” in my everyday life. even if it was used as a joke, that’s still a neural pathway you’re carving in your brain. small mishap? kms. someone pissed me off? kms. I did something embarrassing? kms. my issue was that every negative thought I had when examined with the downward arrow technique led straight to, “I’m gonna kill myself.” I resolved with myself to never use that phrase again, and I did really god with that until my friends kept saying it as a joke and then I did too lol. but that’s over now.
anyway all of this goes to say that what I’m working on right now is correcting my judgmental thoughts about others. so no more calling someone an idiot or a bastard or a [BLEEP] or [BLEEP BLEEP] or [BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP]. my road rage is lowkey crazy sometimes. those love and light girls are lowkey onto something. like yeah, everyone is only human and we must see the humanity in others. so this is my apology to my former stupid idiot coworkers and annoying a-holes from class. you may bother me, but you are human too. and sorry to all the drivers I wish death upon. my bad guys.
the no cursing thing I am slowly making progress on. I’ve been cursing like a sailor for over ten years so it’s hard to catch when I am actually cursing a lot of the time. it’s now a matter of mindfulness and being intentional in my communication with others. which is hard, lol. I’m literally President Motormouth. but we are working on it and putting our best foot forward, and that’s what matters.
IN OTHER NEWS!!!!! I am going to use my 3DS again. I need to mod it badly, so that should happen soon, fingers crossed. I think single use devices are a really good thing. in an ideal world where I have undergone ego death or whatever I would have a flip phone with no apps and carry around a camera, kindle, and game device with me everywhere. and idek about the kindle, I still don’t use mine 🤷🏾♀️ but yes, that’s whats coming up for me.
I am looking forward to adding three more concerts to my concert list this month and hopefully it will put me on pace to go to even more shows next year 👯♀️
but that’s the news 📰🤍 love love love u all and shoot me an email sometime! byeeeee
oh and no new post lol
I hope you're having a good day. take care of yourself, bye-bye! <3