Intentional Society: Following my own fear
If you might like to get involved, join our intro call at 11am Pacific DAYLIGHT Time this Sunday, March 14th.
Hi, this is (still) James here. Instead of dissecting last week's group practices as usual... I'd like to share some fears of mine instead. A bit of shadow work, so to speak. A few weeks ago, when attendence dipped lower, I noticed that I was vaguely uneasy about it. Some sensation was lurking there, and I decided to ask it why.
Okay, why? People can come and go and that's 100% okay - radical acceptance is a value I'm leaning into hard on this quest. No, underneath that was a fear that something was structurally wrong and everyone would disengage and I'd agree with them.
Okay, why? One sense I explored was whether we were being too tourist-y in sampling our smorgasbord of relational practices. Tourists are uninvolved, see the sights, and move on. Hmm... but that didn't quite land on the target. What resonated more in my body was a fear about a lack of depth in connection, of lack of meaning, of the diversity of practices merely serving as an excuse to stay away from the dangerous stuff.
Okay, why? What's dangerous about deep connection and vulnerable communication? Well, when you put it that way, plainly it's trauma. Capital-T trauma and smaller triggers alike, our defenses and wounds... working into them and reconsolidating/integrating new understandings of them is both the best and worst part of being known! And I felt somewhat afraid to, as a facilitator, frame the social container in a way that would bring us there.
Okay, why? Was it that I feel unpossessed of the skillful means of facilitatation to be able to hold the safety of a highly charged space? Well... while I certainly have lots of expertise remaining to develop in those skills, I wasn't directly afraid of being unable to navigate a sudden explosion. Noticing and naming are essentially the core of cognitive defusion, and... well I don't need to explain the whole thing here. I feel safe, and -- oh, I'm afraid that other people will get overwhelmed and hurt.
Okay, why? Mmmm... I remember in my past when it was much more common for me to get stuck "inside" my feelings. I know that poor handling of big feelings can reinforce or retraumatize an existing wound. Oh, and and and... I know I can't be everywhere, can't protect everyone, can't take responsibility for things beyond my I control. I can't be in every breakout room, nor is that even a sane solution. I was afraid of people hurting each other.
Okay, why? At this point I sensed some concrete connections to the tenuous nature of our collective agreements, norms, skills, and intent. I'm not sure people in this particular space have signed up for the risk, or that we know and agree on what to do to avoid harm. There's that structural weakness, which has likely been rippling up subtly through my facilitation and others' participation and sapping some of the potential from our time together. Long story short, that, once seen, is something that can be worked together!
To rewind back to that initial uneasiness I noticed... I almost dismissed it as a vestigial "do people like me" social anxiety, or as some similar egoic attachment to growing numbers. But I followed that tickle as it danced around during, get this, four conversations with four different people over four days. It wasn't (primarily) in my own Core Transformation work, or my own grounding meditations, or my own intellectual analysis. It happened in relationship with people who care about me and were curious about what was alive in me and held some space for me to process in a shared field.
I'll be bringing this awareness to the group this week, and right now feel joyful anticipation towards us working on (and being worked by) strengthening the container of our agreements by which we hold and care for each other. I'm feeling into the future alignment of awareness and intent with behavior and interactions... and it feels energetically like going from "pretty good" to "freakin amazing!" Hah, or maybe I'm projecting -- the more I come to know myself, the more I can see how big the iceberg/elephant really is underneath the water/rider.
Are you feeling anything right now? You can reply; I'd be honored and blessed to hear it.
Awareness, integration, and thriving to you,
James