This Election Is Truly Testing Me
By November Trump is probably going to have something like a quarter million bodies on his head and I’m still going to be refreshing news sites on Election Day just to make sure Ol’ Joe didn’t die in his sleep so I can vote for someone and feel slightly less awful.
@cthagod: “It don’t have nothing to do with Trump, it has to do with the fact – I want something for my community.”
@breakfastclubam
This whole venture started after the primary season was effectively ended, but for all the grief I gave literally every not-Bernie candidate (they were all varying degrees of garbage-Bloomberg), you could at least say that they all had the mental capacity to perform the job. This is like what Reagan’s second term must have been like, with him offering jelly beans to busts of old presidents while aides usher him around. The only consolation is that if we’re at these levels of cringe right now, the things we’ll be seeing in September/October may just end us all, like what is this year’s Fight Song, what is this year’s Pokémon Go To The Polls? Only time will tell.
Watch This: UNCUT GEMS - now available via Netflix
2019 saw the release of at least a half-dozen films that could individually top a year-end list were they released in any other year, but none of them hold a candle to UNCUT GEMS as pure anxiety generation machines. Like the previously recommended GOOD TIME, also directed by Josh and Benny Safdie, GEMS does a great job of breathlessly and continuously turning the vise on you as Howard Ratner (Adam Sandler) makes poor decision after poor decision as he becomes increasingly cornered by his gambling addiction, hoping that the next one is going to be the one where he finally hits it big.
As someone who’s never really derived much/any pleasure or thrills from gambling, I nearly ground my teeth into dust watching this movie. It’s probably because I get anxious enough watching sports, or hockey at least, as my watch’s reported 140-150 heartbeat during big hockey games will attest to, but turning them from leisure activities to things where I actually have money tied up in them might have me shitting diamonds. Couldn’t understand it less, but couldn’t love this more.
I’m keeping my promise to not put him up at the top, but COME ON Lilly Wachowski shitting on the girl Trump daughter AND Elon at the same damn time is too much to pass up entirely.
I’m being told that there is a second Trump daughter, which is as surprising to me as it is to Donald I’m sure. But seriously put Musk and Ivanka inside a Model who-cares and let the Wachowskis run over the car with a monster truck or something.
From the Sentences You Weren’t Expecting to Utter Department, this 25-minute YouTube video of a man who seems very nice solving a sudoku puzzle really has everything. From skepticism that this was some kind of prank, to the slow burn as he begins to solve it, even if you don’t enjoy watching videos of nice people solving sudoku puzzles (and really, do you have enough data to decide either way?) this contains the breadth of the human experience, and is worth a watch.
In other videos that will give you life, the Prince concert we recommended awhile back is still available online and, if you watch nothing else from the show, take a quarter of an hour and watch the “Purple Rain” finale, with its 16 minutes of face-melting guitarwork. Who are we kidding though, watch the whole damn show while you still can.
This past week saw the 10th anniversary of the theatrical release of MACGRUBER, one of the no-joke funniest films I’ve ever seen. While I missed it in theaters, I’ve watched it countless times since, including once at the Virginia Film Festival, with an audience that was mostly new to the film, likely attending after seeing star Will Forte’s great performance in NEBRASKA. Which, were it I would give me a throat-ripping case of whiplash. Sadly the film’s not available through any streaming service that isn’t Starz, which, I don’t know what that is, but in the meantime enjoy this oral history of the film from Vanity Fair.
Lots of video content today, but enjoy this video of sentient canned ham Sean Hannity fishing for compliments from UFC President Dana White by showing videos of himself training. He says he’s been training for 7 years now, and I don’t know if the video is supposed to be some big ‘Before’ reel, but my guy looks like an alien from a race that doesn’t have arms and read about punching on Wikipedia to try and blend in with humans, what a clown.
In other clown news, shout out to this overgrown big toe at Costco threatening an employee with a post to his 3000 Instagram followers about how he’s being persecuted. The Costco person is great, but insistent that this guy’s got to either wear a mask or get the hell out, and just take a moment and imagine looking like this
and thinking it’s a mask that’s going to make you look ridiculous.
With just about any other brand, the Zack Snyder cut of JUSTICE LEAGUE would indisputably be the worst thing they could endorse. With Subway though, it’s just the clear #1 seed in the non-Jared division.
Like what are DC Comics fans hoping to get from this, like there weren’t already two bad-to-very-bad films as evidence that it probably wasn’t going to come together for the guy before he had to leave the project. That being said, if Warners gives us this, Universal give us the CATS butthole cut, you cowards.
Finally, uhh, a photo finish here, and maybe for his generation, but overall? Still gotta give it to the guy whose birthday is still celebrated by the biggest shitheads in existence. The guy who’s shorthand for “worst person ever”. Unless there’s…at least a handful of deaths I’m unaware of.
