Issue 30: Why Not Number One of Them?
Imagine going into your job at the audio descriptions for movies factory, and finding out they’ve assigned you to CATS:
There’s at least…*gestures at whole movie* or so scenes that would provide an equal challenge just in terms of sheer strangeness, but trying to evoke the feel of this musical number where Rebel Wilson’s character has trained both mice and cockroach to advocate for her to go to cat heaven is an unenviable task. While this seems like the perfect stimulus check purchase, I’ll probably give it a little longer to go on sale before committing to this one last bit for CATS.
Watch This: KUNG FU HUSTLE - available via Netflix
The world is a better place with Stephen Chow movies in it, and this one might be his best of all. Released 15 years ago(!) this month, KUNG FU HUSTLE is karate action meets Looney Toons, as the residents of a small village/apartment complex have to fend off a squad of axe-wielding gangsters. As it turns out, some of the residents of the complex are kung fu masters, and the quickly overmatched gangsters come back time and time again with their own mercenary masters to try and put the entire village under heel. Equal parts goofy fun and exhilarating action, it’s a unique blend that reminds you of older Jackie Chan films, if Jackie had a huge CG budget and wire-fu team.
The other night we mentioned that Kevin Smith was going to be addressing the coronavirus situation MALLRATS 2, a real left-field Mad Libs entry if I’ve ever heard one. Just in case you were wondering how other New Jersey icons were feeling about the whole thing, cross another one off the list, as Bon Jovi is going to debut a song during a Jersey-centric fundraiser later this month, that will also feature Bruce Springsteen, Tony Bennett and SZA, which would have gotten the Mad Libs joke earlier if it weren’t for Kevin Smith.
The age-old question:
Who flew with crabs indeed. I’m not sure what they’re doing for checked luggage at the point of origin, but it seems like a dereliction of duty to overlook the duffel bag that’s pulsating with crustaceans in your scans.
This video of LA Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly attempting, heavy emphasis on ‘attempting’ to work on his curveball in the backyard is the reason I want to institute a policy that all sports will have to resume just from a full-stop, no preseason, no warm-up time. I want the first two, maybe three weeks that sports comes back to be the worst beer-league stuff we’ve ever seen. People holding bats upside-down, skates on your hands, the works.
There are many impressive things about the following video:
🚨 Emergency landing of a small plane ✈ this morning around 10:00 AM, on "Highway 40" just outside of #Montreal, #Quebec, #Canada.
The first is that the plane basically just joins the flow of traffic. The second is that pretty much no one stops for this plane, I counted a single-digit number of brake lights in there. I’ve never bothered to ask but I wonder what happens to planes after this, do they have to get towed back to the airport, do they patch up and then take off again? What if the airport’s in the other direction?
Finally, from the “Unexpected Result in my ‘giant black throat’ Google Search” Department:
I don’t know if, with ten lifetimes, I’d love something as much as this husband/wife (I assume, maybe man/at-home lizard expert) love this monitor lizard, treating it like it baby. It big baby. Realistically, this is just like a large-scale version of when your iguana likes to sit under the lamp on a rock, and this fella is just participating in a symbiotic belly warmth exchange. Also trying to figure out how much of this human he could consume at once, measuring body lengths and all that.
