HYBC Presents: THE YEAR OF THE BEEF PREVIEW CENTER
The event the entire world has been waiting for, following a very tumultuous 2020, is finally upon us. Last Friday, we entered what the Lunar calendar refers to as the “Year of the Ox”. And while the hentai artists I follow on Twitter are celebrating the occasion with endless illustrations of hot anime girls wearing cow-print bikinis, the world of comics is bringing its own twist to the tradition, centering around the long-held practice of going online and looking for some BEEF. Instigators are keeping a tight lid on the kind of beef that will be produced during the event, but HYBC managed to get the scoop on some of what’s to be expected from now until January 30th, 2022.
The Snyder Cut
It’s the most anticipated event of the Year of the Beef, and for good reason. For the past eight years, people have been beefing over Zack Snyder’s take on the DC Universe, and the once-unlikely release of his four-hour-long final word on the matter is sure to bring the discussion to its loudest levels yet. On one side, the fanatics who believe that it’s going to be an operatic epic of mythological proportions, a celebration of our shared humanity running on the kind of beautiful dream logic that can only exist in comics. On the other, the people who are wrong, and intend to remain wrong forever. For the beef beginners, and for the beef enthusiasts, this is one beef we’re gonna be on for the rest of our lives.
J. Scott Campbell Creates A Terrible Variant LIVE!
J. Scott Campbell, of the hot-adjacent comic Danger Girl, is working overtime for the year of the beef, creating about a dozen completely insipid variant covers for titles all around comics, all sold at unbelievable mark-ups exclusively on his online store! He expects his completely wack sense of anatomy to launch at least one heated discussion about how women are represented in comics, and he has recently talked about maybe being outright racist. Whatever he does, he’s sure to get people talking, and where there’s people talking, there’s the potential for beef.
The Annual Bleeding Cool Headline Marathon
Is DC Comics about to get sold to a cadre of well-connected deranged millionaires? Did Gail Simone call for a cull of all writers named Scott? Has someone said something about someone else on twitter? Whatever it is, ace reporter Rich Johnston and the team at Bleeding Cool is sure to be there to report the events in the most inflammatory way possible, so as to drive traffic. They’ve already begun printing some doozies, but some time later this year, they’re gonna mine a fairly minor story for all it’s worth with up-to-the-minute coverage that’s sure to have people screaming “Get on with it already!”.
How To Write Comics The Annoying Way
This intensive tweet seminar hosted by successful industry professionals will teach aspiring comic book creators everything they need to know about how to write comic book scripts according to imaginary and oftentimes contradictory guidelines that in no way relate to how good the final comic book turns out. Learn to write without captions! Learn to write with captions! Thought bubbles! No bubbles! Budget for your artist! Actually, don’t? This advice will be dispensed all years by people who should know better, and who will not give you ANY of the resources you could actually use to learn something worthwhile.
Team Comics Reunites!
Do you like obnoxious positivity in the face of an industry that’s fucked up in so many way for so many people? Or, even better, do you HATE it? All throughout the Year of the Beef, Team Comics will be here to monitor the discourse, down to your Twitter likes, to remind people that yes, you’re supposed to be on the same side as the people that will not speak up when a big publishing house does something that is obviously wrong and bad! Whether you’re just lightly clowning around or actually being serious about pointing out the flaws that need correcting, Team Comics will be here, like the industry’s very own fun police, to tell you to be constructive, and happy to be here.
All this, and even more flare-ups of pointless human suffering? Comics industry, you’ve provided in the past, but this year more than ever, you are spoiling us!
HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE COMICS: AND WE WILL FEAST UNTIL NOTHING IS LEFT BUT BONES
Are we back in business? Well, not quite. Blame Marvel for keeping Joe Bennett employed, because pushing past the guilt of releasing somewhat shorter newsletters is hard enough on me as is. Anyway, time to meet an old friend.
That’s right: we’re skipping directly to the Future State Highlights, since it’s the only thing on offer. Catwoman and Immortal Wonder Woman close out their runs in satisfying fashion with the kind of pitch-perfect stylish action that you’ve come to expect from top-tier powerhouse storytellers like Otto Schmidt and Jen Bartel. It’s obviously great, and I only bring it up here because I need you to know that yes, I did know how good this was. The thrill of discovery is gone, but good comics is good comics, and it’s as good as it gets.
So let’s have a chat about Shazam! #2 instead, because that’s comic that everyone seems to hate except for me, and that’s one of the many things about it that fascinate me. As we know from context, circumstantial evidence and reporting of dubious scrupulousness, Future State has come to mean a lot of different things over the few months of turmoil DC Comics have been going through (and arguably still are going through). My question is: at what exact point in the process did editors Alex R. Carr, Mike Cotton and Marquis Draper realize they could try and sneak an actual fucking saga by us? As it stands, The Flash goes into Teen Titans, which goes into Shazam, which goes all the way to the 853rd century Black Adam backup from Suicide Squad.
That added context has two effects. First, it brings welcome resolution to threads which would be a complete bummer if they were left on their own. By which I mean that no, the Flash family doesn’t die for nothing in the face of hope’s entropy. It works out in the end, unless it doesn’t and that thing from Immortal Wonder Woman is really the same thing from the rest of these books. Which would mean it still kinda works out, but on a more philosophical level. Don’t worry too much about it. It’s alright.
Second, it allows for a repeating motif to become a theme. I’m gonna try and keep it spoiler-free because I do feel it’s worth reading, but, in very short: all these books end up in one way or another being about one character trying to take the ultimate world-ending evil on their own, and losing themselves so thoroughly in the process that it ends in a stalemate that gets passed to the next people down the line. It’s simple, basic stuff: we live in a society, we should be there for one another, that good superhero junk food. But sometimes, you need the reminder. It’s fun to follow an idea through and see where it goes. It’s fun to have a great big universe of people in colorful spandex shouting their feelings at one another. It’s melodrama, and I’m just about done feeling shame for liking that. Could they wreck it? Yeah! Am I having fun? Also yeah!
And speaking of things that are mostly over: Superman: Worlds of War ends on a bigass cliffhanger. I don’t mind because it’s a comic full of Mikel Janin doing shirtless Superman action, but, I would get it if people felt frustrated.
But that’s where we’re gonna have to leave it, dear readers! Thanks for staying with us during a fucked-up time where the content is scarce and morality comes at a premium! Shame about those books I’m choosing not to advertise because they might be bangers! Ah, well, like, comment, subscribe, tell your friends, wash your ears and HUMBLE YOURSELF BEFORE COMICS!