In the second half of 2025, a deep knowing hidden (or smooshed) in recesses of unknowing made itself abundantly clear. It came out like a firm yet gentle handhold, saying, this way of relating to yourself must change. 

I’d been existing from a place where these notions were my truth: I didn’t believe in myself, I didn’t trust myself, and I didn’t have my own back.

I’d known this for quite some time. But I knew it only in its formlessness. In its impressions. It’s been a major theme through my Saturn return, but I’d sensed it before this too, less plainly defined, in sharp feelings of guilt and shame and grief. I’ve been caught up in the “I don’t knows” for so long, since childhood. The don’t knows of what I need, what I want, what I desire. Of not being able to claim them—not being able to claim myself. Loss and abandonment and the then preemptive fear of both shaped that, as did people-pleasing and the overwhelm of capitalism’s “choices” and navigating disability, and a number of other things. 

~

I’d found a great fog hung densely around me in this way that didn’t allow my fiery core to radiate outward. Except when I was moving at the speed of light and the fog couldn’t keep up or I was so hyper-focused that I could form a sort of tunnel through. 

And then there were times when I was rapt with wonder or awe or when I was held with unconditional acceptance for exactly who I was in a moment. 

And suddenly, there I’d be, like visible sunbeams. Little golden threads that I was so curious to follow, to weave into myself. But I had no idea how to do that (consciously, at least). They felt intangible.

I’ve been learning that insights don’t take root without action. Untended insights can’t light up new neural pathways. 

Clarity came relationally. As a messy human in relationship to other messy humans. As I examined my practice of arts-making. As I worked with a somatic coach. As I read and learned and unlearned. As a person in relationship with myself.

Needs started sprouting up. 

The need to learn from this fog that, I think, thinks it’s a part of me. Sweet, in a way. Protective and kind by nature. 

The need to see what happens when I believe in myself. I have to know what that could feel like. A desire made of golden threads. 

The need to be there for myself like a gently, bobbing boat waiting for an underwater diver. Grounded and, yet, more fluid than ever.

~

I’m not there yet, but I’m somewhere in-between. It’s liminal. I think things kind of always are that way. We’re continually in a process of becoming. 

I’m taking action. I’m teaching myself that I am in supportive relationship with myself. I’m working to figure out how I want to meet these needs. And I’m starting with needs that are so much smaller and basic. And I still fuck up. I still totally lose myself in moments. The fog and I indistinguishable from one another. But, even in an activated tornado, I’m more able to see my intrinsic worth—see that I’m deserving just as I am. 

I’m looking up and seeing the hull of the boat and that’s new.

And maybe it’s this action that’s allowing for more action.

I’ve had the itch to write a newsletter for the last couple of years. I loosely started collecting emails two winters ago. The itch being, of course, a desire that kept getting suppressed.

I’ve tried to get behind my art the past couple of years and build it up into a supportive offering, but here I am realizing that I was never behind myself.

I was always questioning my skills and abilities and readiness, comparing myself to others, and, amidst unlearning, struggling to dismantle the capitalist and white supremacist mindsets surrounding normativity and perfectionism that get woven into the body so so tightly. I mean, my Taurus Mercury wanting to communicate everything so solidly and sensually and poetically has played its role. And we need to factor in the state of the world. BUT all of this is to say that I’ve feared asserting myself into the world in a raw, unpolished form. 

Except I’m not AT ALL polished in my day-to-day.

So, trying to be all polished in my presentation to the world is exactly that, a presentation.

It’s not me being in authentic relationship.

~

In conclusion, I’m going to share more, trusting that I can show up in process, in the practice of life and relationship and art and care—decentering products and end results and false manufactured needs. 

I’ll be somewhere within the endless spiral of unknowing and knowing. Not linear.

I will be with the discomfort that this will be uncomfortable because I’m expanding my window.

I don’t know exactly what this will look like—what offerings will emerge—but I’m centering the practice. I’m centering experimentation. I’m centering connection. 

Let’s see what happens.

I feel like a fledgling.

On that note, welcome to Ponderings. 

Hooper Arts News

• I started a fucking newsletter!!!!! And you’re here reading it!!

• I’m in the process of setting up a website. And soon I’ll have my first shop drop of smaller works and prints (likely through Etsy)!

• I’m dreaming up a really, really lovely year-long, monthly subscription print club—so be on the lookout for more news to come on that :)

And if you have yet to subscribe to these bi-monthly publications, you can do so by clicking below:

s u b s c r i b e !

All for now.

In practice,

Mar