Trump's Pedo-Pals Were Totally Just Hanging Out for a Group Discount on Lululemons

It's been revealed through millions of documents (just 0.05% of which have been made public, because who needs transparency, right?) that late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was BFFs with Donald Trump, and the Justice Department is like "whaddaya mean?" when asked to confirm.

According to sources, Epstein's buddy Ghislaine Maxwell claims there were 29 "protected" friends of Epstein's who got off scot-free due to secret settlements, because apparently you can just buy your way out of federal charges these days. But don't worry, the DoJ is on it – they're still investigating and have found nothing suspicious whatsoever... said no one ever.

Professor Adam Cochran pointed out the obvious elephant in the room: "How stupid do you need to be to believe that Epstein's friends weren't trafficked by him? Even if you think it wasn't Trump, at least Trump's DoJ is totally not covering for rich dudes who abuse kids." Yeah, because nothing says "justice" like a few well-placed settlements and some strategically placed golf games with the President.