The Unofficial Official Game Awards Drinking Game 2017
It’s that time of the year again.
It’s that time of the year again.
No, not the holidays, it’s time for the annual Game Advertisement Extravaganza and also maybe some Awards Awards! C’mon, you know you’ve dunked on the show that wishes it was the Oscars of video games but needs a few more white folks and a Billy Crystal to make it happen.
You’ve probably said to yourself though: “Boy, 2017 has been a really garbage year. I wish there was a way I can drown my sorrows AND still make fun of one of a billion award presentations for an industry that’s gonna release Game of the Year Editions of their games no matter what!”
Have no fear, fellow shit-talker! I’ve devised the following drinking game that you can follow along with for Thursday’s presentation! No specific beverage is required, and you can use as many rules as you’d like. There are even rules for multiple players. If you add your own, let me know on Twitter what they were!
Without further ado….
THE UNOFFICIAL OFFICIAL GAME AWARDS DRINKING GAME 2017:
Take a shot when…Geoff Keighley looks longingly at Hideo Kojima.
Take a shot when…Hideo Kojima looks longingly at Mads Mikkelsen.
Drink a few ounces of water every time you hear the word “exclusive.” (This is to keep you alive.)
Take two shots each time The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild wins an award.
Take a shot each time you see an ad for a game play but realize halfway through that it isn’t a scheduled trailer but the show went to an ad break and didn’t say so.
If you see a racial or sexist slur appear in chat, everyone takes a shot. Then consider closing chat.
If you closed chat, take a shot.
If you never had chat open, pat yourself on the back. Have a shot on me.
When you hear the word “innovative,” the last person in your group to touch their nose takes a shot.
The first person to make a Schick Hydrobot joke takes three shots.
The last person to make a Dorito joke also takes three shots.
Take a shot if you feel excited by a game trailer.
Take a shot if an award is given by Geoff Keighley in an offhand segway to a trailer to cut down time.
Every time a eSports player/Twitch streamer/YouTuber walks on stage, anyone who doesn’t know who they are takes a shot. SUB RULE: If no one knows, no shots are taken.
Everyone takes a shot if Nier: Automata doesn’t win Best Score/Music.
If a trailer is for DLC/expansions to an already released game, play rock, paper, scissors with the person closest to you. Loser takes a shot.
If a trailer reveals a season pass for a game that is not already out, have a thumb war with the person farthest from you. Loser takes a shot.
If The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild does not win GOTY, everyone takes three shots, because holy shit.
If PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds wins any awards and you think it shouldn’t because it is in Early Access, take a shot. You’re not wrong, but these awards aren’t that prestigious.
If two YouTubers of different genders take the stage and the female one isn’t given the same title as the male one by the announcer, take a shot and then call that shit out on Twitter because that’ll be two years in a row and iJustine doesn’t work hard for that bullcrap.
If the audio cuts out, everyone takes a shot.
Take a shot when you feel kinda bad for always making fun of what is actually a really big passion project for Geoff Keighley and his staff.
Now, as you can hopefully tell, this is meant to be all in good fun. I don’t put a lot of stake in the Game Awards, mostly because every publication outlet and site is going to make their own lists, and you’ll probably have your own too. That’s really the point here-shows like this are for the industry to recognize its own, and that’s not a bad thing per se. But because it’s presented as this big community thing, I think it’s just as fun to poke holes in it as anyone else would in things like E3. Go forth, take care of yourself, and don’t come after me if you get sick-you brought this on yourself.