Issue 178 - Ruminating on rumination
Greetings
Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.
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The photos in this post are from a wander round Paris.
Captain’s Log
Big week. I’ve got a few photos on display at Wirral’s Future Yard as part of Future Walls Gallery. They’re a response to the amazing Ron’s Place in Oxton, Wirral. I visited a few weeks ago and it was quite an amazing place to explore.
In other news I was commissioned to produce a photo essay on New Brighton’s promenade. The linear park of Wirral. A place I view as a safe space where I can be myself in peace and enjoy the views. The work is in a new magazine called ‘Left Bank’ which looks at life along the left bank of the River Mersey.
Ruminating on rumination
I’ve spent this week over thinking. Me? I know, completely out of character. Substack launched a new feature. Basically, Twitter in Substack. It seemed like a good idea. At least a good idea for people on Substack. I’m a bit annoyed that people were so taken with it, when Mastodon is a perfectly usable (once you get the hang of it) replacement for Twitter. Anyway, Substack Notes launched. People liked it. I even thought about maybe moving back to Substack. That was until the CEO was interviewed by Nilay Patel and absolutely completely failed to address whether he would ban racism. Seriously, he just sits there and says nothing.
A good feature on a platform run by problematic people. It made me question whether I should rejoin Substack or stick to my ethics about why I left in the first place. The site is technically good. I subscribe to some Substacks or newsletters or blogs if you follow them via RSS. What even is content any more? 🤷 A good system non-the-less. Writers write and on a platform where the audience is happy to pay. Who wouldn’t want to be on there? Me, because a percentage of the money you could make goes to fund Substack. Technically fine, except the people running the service are problematic.
So, a clear-cut open-and-shut case. Bad people = no move back. Right? Well, money. I’m fond of money. It helps me feed my cats. Is it worthy binning my morals, so I can feed my cats? What happens when the service goes bad? It will inevitably go bad. I can’t think of any social media platform that hasn’t. So, stay away? Yes… but money…
The issue has been in my head for days. I’ve seen good arguments on Substack for Substack by people I respect, and good arguments on Mastodon against Substack by people I respect. Everyone has a valid opinion. This is where my autistic side breaks. “Point!” … “Counterpoint!” … “Point countering counterpoint!” … “Valid point!” … “Counterpoint 2!” Logically, everyone’s point makes sense. I don’t like that. It’s like getting trapped in a maze. There’s no way out. Only overthinking. “If I just think about it this way, maybe…? No, no. But what if I read this thing instead? … No…”
Days pass. Nothing is clear.
I’m not looking for an answer. I’m looking for an ability to make a decision. I’m constantly looking for this. Some flow chart that has a secret hidden option that only autistic people can see that allows them to skip all the yes/no questions and get right to the task they need to do. Except that doesn’t exist. Is losing days to over thinking my only real option?
I try to tell myself to take a break. The answer will come when I’m not thinking, or overthinking, the issue. I need to let my conscious brain out of the thought loop and allow my subconscious to have a go. This… sometimes helps, but often I end up delaying the decision. I spent years debating my camera setup. So long in fact that an entire new camera setup was developed and solved my problems. In a way, it’s good to spend years overthinking instead of deciding. Except when it isn’t, like with Substack. I could be making money there. I could be paying bills. So while I’m either consciously or subconsciously processing the problem, I’m not making money. I’m also not funding a platform that is fine with transphobic people making money. So, that’s a good thing. Except why should they get all the money and feed their cats?
The Substack quandary is an issue but the bigger issue is getting stuck ruminating and analysis paralysis. Maybe the best thing is accepting the current situation and finding something shiny for my ADHD to play with until there’s more data to help provide a clear answer? Perhaps not making a decision is fine for a while?
Transporter room
‘They tried to wipe it out’: the problem with talking about Asperger’s | Autism | The Guardian
Black Teens From New Orleans Solve Math Problem Believed to Be Impossible For 2,000 Years
End program
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“Be bold. Be brave. Be courageous.”
Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.
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petes out 🖖
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