Issue 169 - Casual identity crisis
Greetings
Welcome to Hello Computer. A newsletter about being different. I’m Pete Carr (they/them) an autistic (awaiting ADHD diagnosis) writer and photographer identifying as non-binary.
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The photos in this post are from a wander along the prom with the intention of being imperfect.
Captain’s Log
Good news! 6 weeks ago I reminded my GP that 2 years ago I wanted to get an ADHD diagnosis. The waiting list back then was closed and I became distracted which meant it took 2 years for me to re-apply. Surely enough to diagnose me on the spot? Unfortunately, no. But this time I’m actually on the list and it’s only a 6ish month wait now. So if you’re wondering if you have ADHD talk to your GP. The wait may not be as bad as the media makes it out to be.
I have a limited selection prints for sale on my archive print shop. Featuring Liverpool, New York, Venice, and beyond (galaxies and comets!) Also, rainbows!
Who am I? Batman? No, I’m not Batman
18 years ago, I lost my job as a web developer. Last in first out. So, I decided to become a freelance photographer instead. After numerous events to give me the confidence to believe in myself, I still feel like I’m a kid into computers and cameras, not a professional photographer. I’ve made more money as a photographer than I did in those 4 years after university working in the World Wide Web. I’ve been published in several ways, including in a book with some of the biggest names in editorial photography in the UK. In a charity auction, one of my prints sold for more money than I made in a month as a programmer. I am a professional photographer with a bit of success. Get with it brain!
I picked up a camera before I had a computer. There’s a lovely 8 mm video of me as a kid playing with a Zorki camera, a Russian Leica clone. Due to film costs, I never took up photography. I just played with the cameras. Maybe I still am that kid?
My first computer was a Commodore 64 which I got for Christmas when I was 6. That machine taught me how to code. I played and hacked around with computers for 15 years. I went to university and studied Software Engineering based on a D in ‘A’ Level English Literature. The school I went to was not brilliant, but one teacher told me not to give up writing. No-one ever told me to keep playing with computers. They were my special interest, and they made sense, so I went to uni.
During my placement year, I did an interview with one of the top local companies for web design. They wanted to hire me on the spot, but I still had a year of uni left. Perhaps I should have quit uni and joined up? This was right on the edge of the .com bubble bursting, so it may have been a terrible idea.
After uni, I tried another company. I didn’t get the job because, for lack of a better description, I presented as a stereotypical autistic person. A bit shy with bad social skills, bad posture and a huge interest in computers, previously trains. A complete cliché. People kept telling me I was simply shy, so I never thought anything of it. It would be another 10 years before I started noticing the word “autistic” and 5 more after that before I realised that was me. I was seen as shy and the company felt I wasn’t a good social fit for them, even if I could have done the job.
It took a while, but I eventually found a local company to work with and relaxed into a 9-5 web design job. Unfortunately, as I didn’t know I was autistic, I never relaxed. I found working in an office to be an absolute nightmare. I couldn’t take it. It caused the worst anxiety and depression I had ever felt, at that time. I even tried counselling, but that didn’t help because we didn’t know the issues were things like sensory overload.
What if I had full support and a diagnosis from an early age? Would I have found a good place to work? Would I have had a nice career in IT? Would I have even got this close to the person I am today? Not a week goes past that I don’t find myself wondering. My favourite podcast is a technology focused one. I read more about technology than photography. Am I just that kid playing with computers and cameras?
By being a photographer, I’ve discovered so much about myself. I found a way to talk to people, somehow make them feel at ease, and produce portraits of them. I found a way to communicate with the world through non-verbal communication. At events, I can use my camera to make the world smaller and less chaotic, giving me something to focus on and as a fringe benefit, I get some enjoyable photos. Being a photographer has helped me in ways computing never did.
My camera helped me to get out into the world, which was something I needed to do. It’s not for everyone, but for me, it helped and through that I met my wife. I met people, and I started noticing the ways I was different. It took years to see myself as different and not broken. I got there with support from my wife. I wonder, would I have discovered my non-binary identity in the binary world of computing? Who knows?
It’s interesting to look back at my path through life. I still struggle with identity, both from a gender perspective and a “just who the hell am I?!” perspective. Being autistic means I overanalyse everything instead of getting on with things. Having ADHD means I don’t get on with things, unless they’re just the right level of shiny. So, here I am, writing about whether I am a photographer or computer geek.
Transporter room
Podcast ep. 12 Disability And...Working-Class LGBTQIA+ Perspectives - Disability Arts Online
I Hired 5 People to Sit Behind Me and Make Me Productive for a Month — Simon Berens
Dear Friend: Let’s Talk About Mastodon | Lee LeFever dot com
LGBT+ history month - Department of History - University of Liverpool
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Christopher Pike, Captain USS Discovery.
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petes out 🖖
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